"Ken Lee" reminded me of something I saw on Amazing Cheastypants.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I saw this a couple of years ago and had forgotten about it until I saw it on Tracey's blog. She was kind enough to let me steal it. A song from actor and comedian Tom Wilson, who played Biff in the Back To The Future movies.
"What's a producer do? I don't know." Beautiful.
20. "If I was a sculptor/But then again, no." ("Your Song" by Elton John, lyrics by Bernie Taupin.)
"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I ran out of words."
19. "Lucky that my breasts/Are small and humble/So you don't confuse/Them with mountains." ("Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira).
Humble? No breasts should be humble. They should be loud and proud.
18. "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" ("21 Questions" by 50 Cent).
This belongs on the Best Lyrics list, not the Worst Lyrics list.
17. "There's an insect/In your ear/If you scratch/It won't disappear" ("Staring at the Sun" by U2.).
That insect is this horrible song in your ear. I like U2, but this song (and LP, "Pop") suuuuuucks.
16. "Relentless lust of rotting flesh/To thrash the tomb she lies/Heathen whore of Satan's wrath/I spit at your demise" ("Necrophiliac" by Slayer).
And you were expecting...?
15. "Leaving was never my proud" ("Leaving New York" by R.E.M.).
Great song, crappy line. Making up words was never Michael Stipe's proud.
14. "I ain't never seen/An ass like that/The way you move it/You make my pee-pee go 'doing-doing-doing'" ("Ass Like That" by Eminem).
If my pee-pee was going "doing-doing-doing", I'd have it checked.
13. "There were plants and birds and rocks and things" ("Horse With No Name" by America).
If you found a big steaming pile of dog shit on your rug, could you really isolate one turd and call it the worst of the pile? Doubtful. This entire song is one long, awful lyric, but surely "In the desert/You can remember your name/Cuz there ain't no one for to give you no pain," rivals, if not tops, "plants and birds and things."
12. "Time is like a clock in my heart" ("Clock Of The Heart" by Culture Club).
As I recall, writing quality lyrics was never a priority for this band. Or most any band in the 80s.
11. "I wish it was Sunday/That's my fun day/My I-don't-have-to-run day" ("Manic Monday" by The Bangles, lyrics by Prince).
This song always struck me as something Prince scribbled on a napkin while waiting in bed for Kim Basinger or Appolonia to come out of the bathroom and lick his balls.
10. "I'm all out of faith/This is how I feel" ("Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia, lyrics by Anne Preven).
This is how you feel? Really? The lyrical equivalent of someone saying, "I'm just saying," after they have said something.
9. "Now you're amazed/By the VIP posse/Steppin' so hard/Like a German Nazi" ("Play That Funky Music" by Vanilla Ice).
May he never record again. Ever.
8. "My panty line shows/Got a run in my hose/My hair went flat/Man, I hate that" ("Honey, I'm Home" by Shania Twain).
Sounds like the kinds of things my first-grader writes in essays for school. But she doesn't talk about panties or hose.
7. "I don't think that I've got the stomach/To stomach calling you today" ("See You" by Saves The Day)
6. "Your butt is mine" ("Bad" by Michael Jackson)
As Spinner says, the worst opening line in music history. And he probably wrote it thinking of a Cub Scout.
5. "But if this ever-changing world in which we live in ..." ("Live And Let Die" by Paul McCartney And Wings)
Oh, Sir Paul knew it was bad grammar. Sir Paul did not care. Because he is Sir Paul, and he can write whatever the hell he wants. And you will like it. Because he is Sir Paul.
4. "Young, black and famous/With money hangin' out the anus" ("Can't Nobody Hold Me Down" by Puff Daddy and Mase)
The same place all Puff's lyrics come from.
3. "I don't like cities/But I like New York/Other places/Make me feel like a dork" ("I Love New York" by Madonna)
"I don't like Madonna/But I like New York/Her lame-ass music/Makes me wanna hork."
2. "War is stupid/And people are stupid" ("War Song" by Culture Club)
This song is stupid.
1. "Coast to coast/L.A. to Chicago" ("Smooth Operator" by Sade)
Maybe she meant the coast of Lake Michigan.