Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Video Of The Day: Cactus Cuties

The Cactus Cuties of Lubbock, Texas sing the national anthem at a Texas Tech basketball game. Pretty impressive considering they're all between ages 8 and 13... and a lot better than many adults you've heard to this song.

Calling all bad prom pics

.

Got a scary bad prom pic? Send it in to be included in an upcoming list. Don't worry -- you can remain anonymous if you like.

I'm still also accepting bad studio portraits (Olan Mills, Glamour Shots, etc), so send those in, too, for possible inclusion in a humor book.

Thanks.
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QOTD: Descriptive Insulting Nicknames

Today's QOTD is from Holly in Washington, who calls her kids "Drooly McPoopsalot" and "Squeaky Squeakerson," and her dog, "Farticus Maximus" (which began shortly after she saw Gladiator). Holly wonders what similar nicknames you might have for others.

I'll start. When my daughter gets grumpy or whiny, I sometimes call her Fuss E. Butt. A friend of mine was dating a guy who always tried to guilt her into doing things with him instead of her friends; I called him El Manipulor. Another friend's crazy former beau became Trembly McFuckerson (after he told her he was shaking after a fight they had) and Il Douche'.

How about you?

47 Signs That Your Spouse Might Be Cheating

A crazy list from Terpsichore and WomansDivorce.com. The signs range from the ridiculous to the ridiculously obvious, so I'm grouping them into four categories.

So What?

1) He buys himself new underwear. Most men will be relieved to hear that having tattered, skid-marked underwear means they're off the hook.

2) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car. Because those things are usually accompanied by spilled juice boxes, Cheerios stuck to the seats, and petrified French fries under the floor mats.

3) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they accumulate. What, I should keep all those Viagra and "add 4 inches and she will scream" offers?

4) He joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program. Because he can't see his wiener anymore without a mirror.

5) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it. "Guess what, honey? I got a NEW E-MAIL ACCOUNT today! Isn't that whack?!"

6) He buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know. He doesn't want to tell you he dropped the old one in the toilet while taking business calls in the crapper.

7) She suddenly wants to try new love techniques. Because she's tired of having to ride your fat lazy ass every time. It's your month to pump, chump.

8) He/she suddenly stops having sex with you. Welcome to marriage.

9) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often. Because he's watching Skinemax at night after you go to sleep.

10) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard. Irish Spring smells gay, so he showers again at the gym.

11) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed. He has a blog and stupidly put "Of The Day" in the title.

12) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music. Because you won't let him play his Pink Floyd or Zeppelin CDs in the car.

13) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house. You started it.

14) Her co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence. She told them what a jackass you are.

15) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off. Shortly after you quit working?

16) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home. All you fuckers are getting on her nerves.

17) She seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger. Five days a month?


Ya Think?!

18) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.

19) He carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

20) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?" Or, "Is a blowjob considered cheating?"

21) Stops wearing his/her wedding ring.

22) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

23) He sneaks out of the house.

24) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

25) You find out by accident that he or she took vacation or personal time off when they were supposedly working.

26) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave.

27) You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.

28) Uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

29) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

30) Goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

31) Tells you to call him/her at a different telephone number.

Maybe

32) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. After you tried to recruit them for Amway?

33) Your spouse stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you. After you told him he'd like "Gray's Anatomy" if he'd just watch it once with you?

34) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office. I think they call that a work phone.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice. Perhaps because you answer the phone with, "The FUCK you want?!"

36) She becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to her, usually out of guilt. Or out of hope that you are, so she can, too.

37) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

38) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub. His other family never complains.

39) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance. "Hmm, why is Margaret suddenly wearing shoes and combing her hair to walk the kids to the bus stop?"

40) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

41) The telltale signs of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place. I ask my wife if we're having anything for dinner, too. Doesn't mean we are.

42) She has a "glow" about her. Zoloft is a helluva drug.

43) He loses attention in the activities in the home. Because those activities typically involve putting on pants.

44) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right. The same intuition that told you to marry the schlub in the first place?

Huh?

45) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.

46) She sleeps with her purse by the bed. If there is a gun in it, I'd stay awake, chief.

47) Atypical erratic behavior. Define erratic.

Commercial Of The Day: Montgomery Flea Market

Do you ever find yourself wishing that life was like a cartoon, and a big 2-ton weight could just drop from the sky and flatten someone? I do.

Thanks, Brett, for the link.




Some observations:

1. What did we learn from this painful two-minute "rap"? Not much: 1) The flea market is in Montgomery; 2) It has living rooms, bedrooms, and dinettes; 3) It is like a mini-mall. That's it. Two minutes, three facts. There hasn't been a song with less information since "I Love A Rainy Night" by Eddie Rabbitt.

2. What the hell is a mini-mall, anyway? A place where midgets shop?

3. I've been to Montgomery. The entire city is a flea market.

4. I think Rappin' Pappy should wear his pants higher.

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