Monday, March 3, 2008
There are three types of Hollywood homosexuals:
1) Loud and Proud (Rosie O'Donnell, John Waters)
2) Quietly Contented (Richard Chamberlain, David Hyde Pierce, Sulu)
3)"Closeted As All Get Out" (Scientologists)
The last group may be open to the most speculation, but recently a new category has emerged: People whom everyone assumes are gay, but are in fact all about the opposite sex's poontang and peeners.
10. Andy Dick
Why you think he might be gay: Claims to like dudes. Has made out with dudes. Prancy.
Why he's not: Turns out Dick has three children by multiple women, making him at least bisexual or a great faker. He's also been kicked off more TV shows for sexually assaulting female guests than anyone in the business.
Why you think he might be gay: Slim, well-dressed, pretty mouth, nice hair. Also, the following pictorial evidence:
Jude's the one in the center. Wow.
Why he's not: When neither ex-wife Sadie Frost nor fiancée Sienna Miller were close enough to mount, Jude notoriously nailed corn-fed nanny Daisy Wright:
If you're so hard up for pussy you can't wait for your smoking hot girlfriend to get home and decide to jump your kid's shovel-faced nanny instead… Yeah, you really like the vagina.
Why you think he might be gay: It is long-standing tradition that the quarterback of whatever football team you hate is gay. Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Joe Montana -- all so totally gay. Garcia isn't helped by the fact he comes off a little "festive" at times.
Why he's not: Garcia recently married long-time girlfriend and Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. In 2004, Carmella was arrested after karate-kicking one of Garcia's ex-girlfriends during a fight. When you've got insanely hot chicks beating the crap out of each other over you, you must really know how to lay the pipe.
Why you think he might be gay: Was pulled over by cops after he "gave a ride" to a transvestite hooker packing more heat than Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop II.
Why he's not: Eddie not only impregnated "Scary Spice" Mel B, he also broke up with her via a Dutch television interview where he claimed the baby wasn't his. (Paternity tests later proved him wrong on that count — nice one, Eddie.) Unless you're the singer of "Billie Jean," saying you're not the baby-daddy is about as heterosexual as it gets.
Why you think he might be gay: The whole "I'm a lesbian in love with Ellen DeGeneres" thing was a subtle tip-off.
Why he's not: Anne left DeGeneres and married a cameraman she met during the filming of a documentary about Ellen's return to stand-up comedy (ouch for Ellen). Then she left that guy for a (male) co-star of her TV series Men in Trees. Oh, and somewhere in there she thought she was extraterrestrial Jesus. She may or not be gay, but she's sure as hell fucking crazy.
5. Jake Gyllenhaal
Why you think he might be gay: SOMEONE'S gotta take the fall for Brokeback Mountain, and Heath Ledger got off the hook by knocking up that Dawson's Creek chick on-set.
Why he's not: Betus.com had Gyllenhaaaaaal listed at 5-2 odds of coming out, but it turned out he's been nailing Kirsten Dunst off-and-on for a few years, has dated Natalie Portman and some Argentinean models, and most recently helped Reese Witherspoon get over effete ex-husband Ryan Phillipe (with his crotch).
4. Oprah Winfrey
Why you think he might be gay: When, oh when will Oprah finally make an honest man out of Stedman? Is it because "The Big O" spends more time sharing a bed with best friend Gayle King on "girls only vacations" than with her alleged boyfriend?
Why he's not: Did you know that Oprah once dated Roger Ebert? Isn't that a hilariously disturbing mental image? (Two thumbs up where?) If you're a woman who continues to sleep with men after dating Roger Ebert, there's no chance of you going gay, ever.
Why you think he might be gay: Lohan's friendship with openly gay deejay pal, Samantha Ronson, got a little more detailed recently when La Linds allegedly told Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die... I want to marry you and have children with you."
Why he's not: Lohan has famously bragged about spreading for nearly every male under 75 in the 90210 zip code, so in the end, we really don't think she's gay, we just think she's a big ol' honkin' slut.
Why you think he might be gay: Because you love getting sued?
Why he's not: Tommy may have some problems with his man-junk. Mimi Rogers pretty much called him infertile on Letterman in '98, he was only able to adopt children with Nicole Kidman, and both women allegedly got pregnant the SECOND they divorced him. But that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. At least he was TRYING to impregnate some pretty hot ladies. Here's what we do know: he's a world-class nutjob.
Why you think he might be gay: Scientologist, good dancer.
Why he's not: C'mon, Travolta was a babe magnet with all the moves in the '70s, second only to The Fonz for pure (if slightly greasy) Italian machismo. And he's married to cutie-hot Kelly Preston. How could you possibly think for a second he actually…
Was, uh...trying to conceal any sort of...
Ah, fuck it. We give up.
I have no idea who half the people in this video are. Looks like they just grabbed whoever they could, wherever they could - "Hey, sing this, would ya?"
Made in 1991, the first time we went to war in Iraq. Don't miss the group finale.