No wonder I can't lose weight.
Oh, they're fun all right.
Cheese. Any and all kinds.
Chips y salsa. Homemade salsa, not the Pace crap you see here.
Cold, hard and crunchy. The wholes are better than the halves.
Sweet Jesus I love me a biscuit or ten. Real biscuits. Not that shit in a can.
But only at the movies.
What? Something semi-healthy? Yes. Not too ripe, though. Just past green. No brown spots.
Any Ben & Jerry will do, but this is my favorite. Cherry Garcia is 2nd.
Boiled shrimp. Just add lemon, butter, pepper and some ice-cold barley pop.
My favorite bedtime snack.
Yes. I like celery. There aren't many of us. My grandma used to stuff it with homemade pimento cheese, and it was heaven.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
No wonder I can't lose weight.
You stupid, unromantic, crass, selfish bastard. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You probably knew she wasn't sure and thought you could force her hand with this stunt. D'oh!
On the bright side, your wife-not-to-be has a nice rack. Too bad you've seen the last of it. If you ever saw it at all, that is.
From my pal Steve Hatchett, who once hacked a kid's foot off for stepping on his lawn.
In a poll last year, I asked readers what one song they thought would play on a continuous loop on Hell's jukebox. Here are their answers. What's yours?
"Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega (carymc). The 1952 original is only slightly better.
"Puttin' On The Ritz" by Taco (themovieguru)
"You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone (Danna)
"Somewhere Out There" by James Ingram/Linda Ronstadt (Vaniqua)
"We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters (Linda)
"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies (Kurt)
"I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness (Turtle446)
"Rainy Day Women #12 & #35" by Bob Dylan (MichelleP)
"The War Song" by Culture Club (Kris)
LOTD regular Blong was kind enough to program one full column of songs on Hell's Jukebox, and also provided insightful commentary based on his DJ days playing these fine ditties.
"Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson. One steaming pile of double entendres. Makes "Afternoon Delight" sound like a Mozart opera. (I think this one wins the prize for worst song here. -c)
"Autobahn" by Kraftwerk. Proving once again that no one can irritate humankind like the Germans.
"Money" by The Flying Lizards. Skip the song and just go ahead and slam an ice pick into your ears.
"Cheaper Crude or No More Food" by Bobby "Sofine" Butler. Bobby seemed to labor under the impression that OPEC countries enjoyed American food.
"Oh! Susanna" by Don Charles Presents the Singing Dogs. If this doesn't convince you to mend your sinful ways and avoid eternity in hell, nothing will.
"One Tin Soldier" by Coven. Theme song from Billy Jack, and almost as good as the movie. (Ya gotta love that completely predictable yet profoundly ironic ending. - c)
"Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" by Cher. Cher goes solo and gives this world this song. No wonder Sonny split. Even he had his standards.
"DOA" by Bloodrock (featured here last week). The ne plus ultra of bad songwriting. Michael Stipe calls this the worst rock song ever made, and he should know.
"I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis. As a DJ in the late '70s, I personally road-tested this dreck from hell. If I had a buck for every request I got for this song, we could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas. Now you, too, can relive prom night over and over and over...
Looks like it was nearly a sweep. They should rename it I Know What Killed My Career. Thanks, Rosie, for the link.
Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy (Norbit)
Worst Actress (tie): Lohan as twin sisters Aubrey and Dakota in I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Supporting Actress: Eddie Murphy (Norbit)
Worst Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy (Norbit)
Worst Screen Couple: Lohan & Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Remake or Rip-off: I Know Who Killed Me, based on several films
Worst Prequel or Sequel: Daddy Day Camp
Worst Director: Chris Siverston for I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Screenplay: Jeffrey Hammond for I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie (New Category): I Know Who Killed Me.