This is the last post until Monday. I need to spend the weekend catching up on life. Feel free to peruse the archives until I return with new stuff on Monday. Happy weekend - and my heartfelt thanks to all of you for reading LOTD. You make it fun for me to do.
I leave you with this gut-buster from Rebecca and FunnyOrDie.com.
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CollegeGirl sent me this. I forgive her. Yatta is Japanese for "gay as fuck."
Uh. Ok.
The photo is from Kurt M., who writes, "A friend of mine showed me one of her school pictures last month when I went to visit her in Ottawa, Canada. I saw it and after I stopped laughing (which took a long time) said, "This is totally the type of thing that would be on List of the Day."
Kurt's (anonymous - can you blame her? ) friend explains her pic: "I am still trying to figure out if, by letting me keep this photo without retakes, my parents were cruel, clever (blackmail material), or had a great sense of humour. Cozy is a hand puppet that I got for Christmas at age 7. I was so proud. It's a shame that the photo cuts off the Cosby-style sweater he is wearing, which my mom knit for his own proportions (his skinny arms were about 45 cm each!). This photo has been posted on friends' fridges and walls for many years now, and has provided hours of laughter."
Rerun of the day. I try to post this every month or so. Why? Out of compassion, because, as LOTD reader Noreen pointed out to me, the definition of compassion is "to suffer with someone." So let's all watch this and suffer together. (The blonde singer is Anastacia.)
I read this on Elisabitch's Twisted Princess blog and asked her if I could reprint it here. Why? Because it's dadgum funny, that's why.
The Blue Lagoon - I was 7. We had HBO. This was one of my favorite movies. Enough said.
Sixteen Candles - 7. Still with the HBO, could have been worse, but still slightly out of my age range. What’s a birth control pill?
The Woman in Red - 7. I don’t know why I remember this, but Willy Wonka and the she-robot from Weird Science are in it. Not age appropriate, and I don’t want to see Willy Wonka try to get laid. Everlasting gobstopper? We’ll see about that.
Terms of Endearment - apparently I watched a lot of movies at 7. This wasn’t so much inappropriate as emotionally over my head. But I still cried balls when Debra Winger kicked. So did my mom.
Risky Business - 8 or 9. Tom Cruise was so innocent and dreamy then, before he turned into a creepy little scientologist. “Joel, get off the babysitter.”
Revenge of the Nerds - 8 or 9. I still remember their lame little song for the Lambda Lambda Lambda talent show or some shit. Good times.
The Breakfast Club - 9 or 10, I loved this movie, but I didn’t understand why it was rated R since there was no nudity. I didn’t understand most of it until later, and I certainly didn’t know what they were smoking.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High - 10, under the influence of my older sister and her friend. Learned how to give a blow job from Jennifer Jason Leigh and the carrot. Didn’t know what Judge Reinhold was doing in the bathroom when Phoebe Cates walked in.
Fatal Attraction - with my dad around 9. He got all fidgety and nervous when they started fucking on the kitchen sink. Then he got up and left. It ruled.
The Exorcist - with my dad around 10 or 11. On Easter of all days, having to watch Linda Blair fuck herself with a crucifix. WITH MY DAD (AND EASTER BASKET) RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
Road House - in the theatre with my mom at 12, due to a crush on Patrick Swayze at the time. Thank you, Dirty Dancing. Way too advanced for my age. Oh, and the part where Patrick Swayze rips that dude’s throat out: Aces. That wasn’t traumatizing at all.
Warrant - Cherry Pie video - not a movie, but worth mentioning. 12 with my dad. Slutty Mrs. Jani Lane/Bobbi Brown. Ugh, so many things wrong with this. He also liked that Sam Kinison video with Jessica Hahn, probably because she’s wearing nothing but suspenders and silicone. Ick. I drew the line at Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith.
Heathers - saw it at 12. Getting old enough, but really, probably shouldn’t have seen it yet. My sister taped it off HBO for me on VHS, and the tape eventually wore out. This was my favorite movie for years, and I still love it. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
Pump Up the Volume - in the theatre with my mom at 13, due to a crush on Christian Slater at the time. Pretty much the whole movie was mortifying with my mom there.
Sex and the City, the “funky spunk” episode - not a movie, but worth mentioning. A few years ago, with my parents. Ugh, it doesn’t matter how old you get, some things are still off limits with parents. Spunk? What’s that? What’s a blow job? I wouldn’t know.
Knocked Up - a few months ago, with my parents. “THAT’s how you get pink eye.” And all the sex. Did I mention that some things are still off limits with parents? Sex? What’s that?
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From long-time LOTD reader Elizabeth ("E"), an informative chart to help men deal with hormonal women. Chocolate trumps wine in my house, although wine is never turned away. Beer works too. So does hiding in the basement. Or staying at work so she doesn't have to look at my "STUPID. FUCKING. FACE!!!" (Just kidding, dear. Lubs you. Promise. No, really.)
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Looks like Mother Jones found the answers to my Hell's Jukebox question. Thanks for the link, Spinderfella. Some of the songs (and song names) are offensive, so listen at your own discretion.
The Torture Playlist
By Justine Sharrock
February 22, 2008
NEWS: Music has been used in American military prisons and on bases to induce sleep deprivation, "prolong capture shock," disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams. Based on a leaked interrogation log, news reports, and the accounts of soldiers and detainees, here are some of the songs that guards and interrogators chose.
(edit: to see the list and hear the music, click here. Be aware that the music plays automatically when you open the link, and, as Catherine points out, it is loud and obnoxious. But that's just the first song. You need to see the list because it's funny. The "Barney" theme is on it, for example.)
One for the guys. Lots of skin here, but it's mostly PG-13.. a few nips here and there.
God bless you, Jimmy T. This could be the best thing I've ever seen on the web. Well, not really, but it's certainly in the top 20.
From Season 1, before they whittled down the cast. I forgot about Molly being in this.
The open I remember, from a few seasons later. Thank god they didn't let Charlotte Rae sing anymore.
Oh, this is rich. First of all, the list is from the head of Mensa -- one dude -- not the membership. I bet they are pissed, too, because Jim's picks are lame-o, and his comments sound like the words of someone recovering from a head injury, not the head of Mensa. Read on. You'll see.
The head of genius organization Mensa has picked the 10 smartest TV shows of all time — sparking debate in the blogosphere, especially over the inclusion of the 1990s sitcom "Mad About You."
Jim Werdell, chairman of Mensa International, selected the shows after being posed the question by Fancast.com (while his head bandages were being changed).
“They weren’t pure comedy, mystery or action,” Werdell said. “They tended to be shows that dealt with issues in the world, and from my perspective that’s considered smart. Some sitcoms reach a higher level of intellect than others, and you can say the same about some of the dramas. The stories may be cliché, but the characters and dialogue are smarter. (I'm glad he cleared that up for us.)
1. M*A*S*H – "It had smart repartee and was so much more than a comedy." (True. It was an overrated comedy with one small problem: it wasn't funny. At all. I hate M*A*S*H.)
2. Cosmos (with Carl Sagan) – "Sagan was able to communicate something extremely complicated to the layman (i.e. morons like me) and do it well, and that’s unusual for a scientist at his level."
3. CSI — "The way they use science to solve their programs is intriguing to viewers. My pants itch."
4. House – "Again, it’s high level type of show; it’s the personality that makes it a winner, plus it deals with science." (Medical shows usually do.)
5. West Wing – "You had to pay attention to stay up with it. The repartee was fast and furious and you needed a fairly high level intelligence to keep up with it. So I watched 'According To Jim' instead."
6. Boston Legal – "It’s primarily because of the characters. The story lines are okay, but the characters are incredible and the writers give them great dialogue. I just made a poopy."
7. All in the Family – "The show dealt with social issues before its time and was on the forefront of trying to show people’s feelings, beliefs and the complexities of personality, in both a serious and comedic way."
8. Frasier – "The repartee (Jim just learned the word repartee) was sensational; the main characters were very good. Even though they portrayed people who were likely of high intelligence, they also showed their weaknesses."
9. Mad About You – "It’s a personal favorite. (No shit? Why else would it be here?) I loved the characters and the back and forth. It was very smart."
10. Jeopardy – "It’s about the only game show that really tries to test people’s intelligence. There’s very little luck involved, and there are few game shows like that. I don’t watch it all that much, honestly (so I'm talking out of my ass here), but from what I’ve seen it tests more than knowledge, it tests intelligence too."
Click any pic for a larger view
And she has a black eye. Nice.
Glunk glunk glunk glunk glunk
Their children will be beautiful
Probably fake but I laughed
Bridesmaids? Or cheerleaders?
The White Stripes get married. In Sherwood Forest.
Representin'! (...The Lollipop Guild)
On this joyous occasion...
I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Dork
Nothing says class quite like fishbowls.
Prince called. He wants his boots back.
The kids look happy.
What has two thumbs and loves Dungeons & Dragons?
Uncle Roy wore his very best tie
A list from Reenie, who has been arrested six times for streaking.
Artery: The study of paintings.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D&C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series: World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: I knew it.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
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No wonder I can't lose weight.
Oh, they're fun all right.
Cheese. Any and all kinds.
Chips y salsa. Homemade salsa, not the Pace crap you see here.
Cold, hard and crunchy. The wholes are better than the halves.
Sweet Jesus I love me a biscuit or ten. Real biscuits. Not that shit in a can.
But only at the movies.
What? Something semi-healthy? Yes. Not too ripe, though. Just past green. No brown spots.
Any Ben & Jerry will do, but this is my favorite. Cherry Garcia is 2nd.
Boiled shrimp. Just add lemon, butter, pepper and some ice-cold barley pop.
My favorite bedtime snack.
Yes. I like celery. There aren't many of us. My grandma used to stuff it with homemade pimento cheese, and it was heaven.
You stupid, unromantic, crass, selfish bastard. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You probably knew she wasn't sure and thought you could force her hand with this stunt. D'oh!
On the bright side, your wife-not-to-be has a nice rack. Too bad you've seen the last of it. If you ever saw it at all, that is.
From my pal Steve Hatchett, who once hacked a kid's foot off for stepping on his lawn.
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a.k.a. Shameless Sponsor Plug Of The Day. My friends at Busted Tees are having a terrific sale today only. Click the ad and check it out - their shirts are funny. Thanks.
Sorry about this. They have a gun to my head. Pls send help.
In a poll last year, I asked readers what one song they thought would play on a continuous loop on Hell's jukebox. Here are their answers. What's yours?
"Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega (carymc). The 1952 original is only slightly better.
"Puttin' On The Ritz" by Taco (themovieguru)
"You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone (Danna)
"Somewhere Out There" by James Ingram/Linda Ronstadt (Vaniqua)
"We've Only Just Begun" by The Carpenters (Linda)
"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by Crash Test Dummies (Kurt)
"I Believe In A Thing Called Love" by The Darkness (Turtle446)
"Rainy Day Women #12 & #35" by Bob Dylan (MichelleP)
"The War Song" by Culture Club (Kris)
LOTD regular Blong was kind enough to program one full column of songs on Hell's Jukebox, and also provided insightful commentary based on his DJ days playing these fine ditties.
"Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson. One steaming pile of double entendres. Makes "Afternoon Delight" sound like a Mozart opera. (I think this one wins the prize for worst song here. -c)
"Autobahn" by Kraftwerk. Proving once again that no one can irritate humankind like the Germans.
"Money" by The Flying Lizards. Skip the song and just go ahead and slam an ice pick into your ears.
"Cheaper Crude or No More Food" by Bobby "Sofine" Butler. Bobby seemed to labor under the impression that OPEC countries enjoyed American food.
"Oh! Susanna" by Don Charles Presents the Singing Dogs. If this doesn't convince you to mend your sinful ways and avoid eternity in hell, nothing will.
"One Tin Soldier" by Coven. Theme song from Billy Jack, and almost as good as the movie. (Ya gotta love that completely predictable yet profoundly ironic ending. - c)
"Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" by Cher. Cher goes solo and gives this world this song. No wonder Sonny split. Even he had his standards.
"DOA" by Bloodrock (featured here last week). The ne plus ultra of bad songwriting. Michael Stipe calls this the worst rock song ever made, and he should know.
"I Go Crazy" by Paul Davis. As a DJ in the late '70s, I personally road-tested this dreck from hell. If I had a buck for every request I got for this song, we could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas. Now you, too, can relive prom night over and over and over...
Looks like it was nearly a sweep. They should rename it I Know What Killed My Career. Thanks, Rosie, for the link.
Worst Picture: I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Actor: Eddie Murphy (Norbit)
Worst Actress (tie): Lohan as twin sisters Aubrey and Dakota in I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Supporting Actress: Eddie Murphy (Norbit)
Worst Supporting Actor: Eddie Murphy (Norbit)
Worst Screen Couple: Lohan & Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Remake or Rip-off: I Know Who Killed Me, based on several films
Worst Prequel or Sequel: Daddy Day Camp
Worst Director: Chris Siverston for I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Screenplay: Jeffrey Hammond for I Know Who Killed Me
Worst Excuse for a Horror Movie (New Category): I Know Who Killed Me.
Jimmy Kimmel responds to his girlfriend Sarah Silverman's "I'm F*cking Matt Damon" video with a vid of his own. Brilliance.
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.In case you missed it like I did.
Best Picture: No Country For Old Men
Best Actress: Marion Cotillard (La Vie en Rose)
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis (There Will Be Blood)
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton)
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem (No Country For Old Men)
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen (No Country For Old Men)
Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody (Juno)
Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen (No Country For Old Men)
The full list is on Oscar.com.
LOTD reader Regan pointed me to PassiveAggressiveNotes.com and suggested that some of their pics would make a good list. She was right. If you hate those "your mother doesn't work here" notes that tightass office managers and bored executive assistants like to leave on your office frig, then you're gonna love the site. Check it out.
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From an anonymous submitter from Canada: “I lived with these girls for a year, but after about six months, things started to get a little strange.” If our submitter had any doubts about how her roommates felt about her, the to-do lists that appeared on the fridge the weekend she was moving out cleared things right up.
Faydra in Gainesville, Florida lives in an apartment complex she describes as “a step above dorm living” — 85 girls total, all of them coming and going at all hours. Faydra’s next door neighbors kicked things off with the most frightening clip art extravaganza ever, and things devolved from there. In chronological order:
This anonymous submitter’s girlfriend was living in a tiny apartment in Sydney, Australia, and temporarily sleeping on what the submitter admits was “possibly the world’s shittiest sofabed.”
No stories for the rest. They speak for themselves.
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From Cracked.com, with a little help from me.
Porno For Pyros
The story: Former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell came up with the name while watching coverage of the LA riots on television. Presumably while masturbating.
Why it sucks: Isn't pornography for pyromaniacs pretty much the same as porn for everyone else?
Nickelback
The story: Lead singer Chad Kroeger was having trouble coming up with a name, and so approached his brother, who worked at a Starbucks. Coffee was $1.95, which meant every customer who paid two bucks got — waiiiit for it — a nickel back!
Why it sucks: Asking cashiers at franchise coffee shops for career advice can only end in tragedy.
Matchbox 20
The story: Explanations range from the name being the title of a song to the drummer seeing the word "matchbox" and the number 20 on a guy's shirt in a restaurant. Either way, shut the f*ck up, Rob Thomas.
Why it sucks: If you're going to pick a band name that's nonsense, it should at least sound cool (Soundgarden, etc).
Def Leppard
The story: Singer Joe Elliott thought of the name Deaf Leopard while he was in school (presumably while failing something). The spelling was later changed so the band didn't become confused with punk bands (who are known for their flawless spelling).
Why it sucks: There's simply no excuse for including a word in your band's name that means you can't hear. You might as well just call yourself Shitty Music and save people the trouble of mocking you.
Puddle Of Mudd
The story: The 1993 Missouri River flood left the band's practice space a muddy mess, which led them to this name — instead of the far better one, Missouri River Flood.
Why it sucks: Not only do we get an extra "d" for no reason, we also get an altogether unnecessary word. No, it couldn't just be Mudd Puddle. We definitely need that extra "of." Just like when you're ordering lunch and get a sandwich of tuna with chips of potato.
Of Montreal
The story: No one knows. Or cares.
Why it sucks: They're "of" Athens, Georgia.
The Goo Goo Dolls
The story: The band found the name in an issue of True Detective Magazine after a club owner balked at their original — and equally dumb — name The Sex Maggots.
Why it sucks: Say it out loud. There's your reason. Sure, it might have seemed like an ironic name back when you guys were young and confident that you'd always rock the fuck out, but now you're on adult contemporary radio, and your name reminds people of the gurgling mess in the back seat that brought their youth to an abrupt end.
The The
The story: A British act decided to come up with a band name even more ironically detached than The Band, just to piss off Robbie Robertson.
Why it sucks: Try Googling their name.
Panic! At The Disco
The story: Named after the Smiths song, "Panic," which includes a line about a disco burning down. Note that this offers no explanation whatsoever for the extraneously lame exclamation mark.
Why it sucks: Much like their contemporaries in the whine-rock genre, the title utterly fails at being either cute or intelligent, and is instead simply annoying. At least Fall Out Boy is a Simpsons reference.
Limp Bizkit
The story: Rumor has it that the name comes from the title of the masturbation game in which a bunch of scholars stand around a biscuit and ejaculate onto it. The last guy to do so has to eat the biscuit. So, in a metaphorical way, the American public has been losing this game every time Limp Bizkit released an album.
Why it sucks: Limp Bizkit intentionally misspelled their band name, because that's phat with the kids. Fred Durst apparently thought that naming his band after a game played by lonely, pimply-faced masturbators was just a little too intellectually haughty, so he dumbed down the spelling for us.
Chumbawumba
The story: A group of British "anarchists" with strong political opinions needed a band name that resonated with the passion of their views, and so picked a gibberish word that means nothing.
Why it sucks: Rage Against the Machine might be a little trite for a band name, but at least it gets the point across. Chumbawamba's only political statement to date is "Tubthumping," which takes the controversial stance that it's incredibly fun to get shitfaced.
Hoobastank
The story: In an interview, here's what the band's vocalist, Doug Robb, had to say about the name: "It's really cool, it's one of those old high school inside-joke words that didn't really mean anything."
Why it sucks: Actually, Doug Robb, it's not really cool. If you're going to name your band after a high school inside-joke word that doesn't mean anything, why not use a word that doesn't sound like something you'd shout if you had to wear a helmet all the time and licked the windows on the short bus.
Toad The Wet Sprocket
The story: The name is taken from a comment in an Eric Idle monologue on a Monty Python album. This, then, is the musical equivalent of the A/V club nerds who recited the "Knights Who Say Nee" sketch over and over.
Why it sucks: You can have the bitchin'-est music in the world, but as soon as the DJ says your name, the game's over.
Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts
The story: There are competing origin stories for the name of Russell Crowe's band, but, in the final analysis, no one gives a rat's ass.
Why it sucks: In Crowe's excitement over coming up with a gimmicky band name that suggests he can't sing, and in his band mates' excitement to agree with that name lest he pummel them with whatever household object was nearest at hand, the boys apparently forgot to make Foot plural. Oh, and it sounds like a gay porno title.
Hootie & The Blowfish
The story: The band is named for two of singer Darius Rucker's college choir friends, nicknamed "Hootie" and "the Blowfish" because one looked like an owl and the other like a blowfish. Interesting note: That choir was named Darius the Black Guy & The Two Ugliest Dudes on Campus.
Why it sucks: In a word: "hootie." In four: "hootie," "and," "the" and "blowfish." We now know from scientific studies performed in 1998 at Cambridge that there isn't a single aspect of Hootie and the Blowfish's name that doesn't invite you, the listener, on a subconscious simian level, to punch each of them in the face until they agree to change it.
Archers of Loaf
The story: Because the band members apparently wanted to spend every single interview talking about their name, they came up with the dumbest one they could think of.
Why it sucks: Because it's clearly just the result of opening the dictionary two times and using the first word one of the guys pointed to. Unfortunately, one of the words happens to be "loaf," as in "meat" or "pinching a." So people hear your name and think about their mother and/or taking a dump. Good thinking, guys.
I saw a few minutes of the original Planet Of The Apes on TCM a few nights ago, and naturally it reminded me of one of my all-time favorite Simpsons bits.
"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpanzee..."
A list of who appeared in the coveted cover shot each year. The model with the most cover appearances is Elle Macpherson, with five. Cheryl Tiegs, Christie Brinkley, Kathy Ireland and Daniela Pestova each appeared on three covers.
1964 - Babette March
1965 - Sue Peterson
1966 - Sunny Bippus
1967 - Marilyn Tindall
1968 - Turia Mau
1969 - Jamee Becker
1970 - Cheryl Tiegs
1971 - Tannia Rubiano
1972 - Shelia Roscoe
1973 - Dayle Haddon
1974 - Ann Simonton
1975 - Cheryl Tiegs
1976 - Yvette and Yvonne Sylvander
1977 - Lena Kansbod
1978 - Maria Joao
1979 - Christie Brinkley
1980 - Christie Brinkley
1981 - Christie Brinkley
1982 - Carol Alt
1983 - Cheryl Tiegs
1984 - Paulina Porizkova
1985 - Paulina Porizkova
1986 - Elle Macpherson
1987 - Elle Macpherson
1988 - Elle Macpherson
1989 - Kathy Ireland
1990 - Judit Masco
1991 - Ashley Richardson
1992 - Kathy Ireland
1993 - Vendela Kirsebom
1994 - Kathy Ireland, Elle Macpherson, and Rachel Hunter
1995 - Daniela Pestova
1996 - Valeria Mazza and Tyra Banks
1997 - Tyra Banks
1998 - Heidi Klum
1999 - Rebecca Romijn
2000 - Daniela Pestova
2001 - Elsa Benitez
2002 - Yamila Diaz
2003 - Petra Nemcova
2004 - Veronica Varekova
2005 - Carolyn Murphy
2006 - All-star Past Cover Models: Veronica Varekova, Elle Macpherson, Rebecca Romijn, Rachel Hunter, Daniela Pestova, Elsa Benitez, Carolyn Murphy, Yamila Diaz
2007 - Beyoncé Knowles
2008 - Marisa Miller
Nicknames for some of my favorite retailers. Some I made up, others I heard elsewhere. If I slam your favorite eatery or store, don't cry; I like some of these places, but I like making fun of them more.
I hate the word eatery, btw.
Got some of your own? Hit me.
Pottery Barn = Robbery Barn
Applebee's = Crapplebee's or Applebutt's or I'll Be Right Back With Them Salads (in honor of something an Applebee's waiter in Waycross, Georgia once said to us)
Olive Garden = Ketchup & Noodles
McDonald's = Burp (when my daughter was 3-4, she called it "Old McDonalds")
Krystal/White Castle = Sliders
Waffle House = Awful House or The Hungry Bastard (ask for some booger bread on the side)
Target = Heaven
Wal-Mart = Aisle Of Cram
Fuddrucker's = Pudfuckers
Restoration Hardware = Fistoration Hardware
Subway = Suckway or Sandwich Artist's Colony
Chili's = Willi-Nilli's
Blimpie = Skimpie, Home Of The Air Sandwich
Red Lobster = Fish Stickster
Bed, Bath & Beyond = Bed, Bath and Bee-hind
Home Depot = Yes, We Have No Banana
(an inside joke between my wife and me because HD has catalogs filled with things they don't have in stock. You spend an hour picking out fixtures, then they tell you they no longer carry those particular ones.)
Outback Steakhouse = Steakback Outhouse
Taco Bell = Taco Hell or Taco Smell or Make A Run For The Toilet
Jack In The Box = Yack In A Box
Best Buy = Best Lie
Friday's = Flair (an Office Space joke)
Arby's = Barfby's
Publix = Pube-licks
Dairy Queen = Dairy Squeeze
In & Out Burger = In & Out Burger
Dunkin' Donuts = Drunken Dognuts
(originally posted 7/07)
The Farting Preacher returns! (a.k.a. the farting quack evangelist)
A 2006 list from TIME magazine. Picks are in no order, only separated by decade. Full article here, with an explanation for each pick.
Thoughts? Glaring omissions? Speak.
My main beef: they have the Beatles covered, but where the F are Nazareth and Molly Hatchet?!
2000sFacebook It
Hank Williams - The Essential Hank Williams Collection
Kanye West - The College Dropout
Sam Cooke - Portrait Of A Legend 1951-1964
Elvis Presley - Elvis: 30 No. 1 Hits
Muddy Waters - The Anthology, 1947 - 1972
Radiohead - Kid A
Outkast - Stankonia
PJ Harvey - Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea
Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP
1990s
Elvis Presley - Sunrise
Lucinda Williams - Car Wheels On A Gravel Road
Radiohead - OK Computer
The Notorious B.I.G. - Ready To Die
Bob Dylan - Time Out Of Mind
DJ Shadow - Endtroducing...
Oasis - (What's The Story) Morning Glory
Hole - Live Through This
Mary J. Blige - My Life
Pavement - Slanted And Enchanted
Dr. Dre - The Chronic
U2 - Achtung Baby
Nirvana - Nevermind
R.E.M. - Out Of Time
Various Artists - Phil Spector, Back To Mono (1958-1969)
Garth Brooks - Ropin' The Wind
James Brown - Star Time
A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory
1980s
Madonna - Like A Prayer
Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
The Stone Roses - The Stone Roses
Public Enemy - It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back
N.W.A. - Straight Outta Compton
R.E.M. - Document
Eric B. And Rakim - Paid In Full
Prince - Sign O' The Times
U2 - The Joshua Tree
Paul Simon - Graceland
Metallica - Master Of Puppets
Run-DMC - Raising Hell
Bob Marley And The Wailers - Legend
Prince - Purple Rain
Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense
Chuck Berry - The Great Twenty-Eight
Michael Jackson - Thriller
AC/DC - Back In Black
1970s
The Clash - London Calling
Parliament/Funkadelic - One Nation Under A Groove
The Sex Pistols - Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Sex Pistols
Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
The Eagles - Hotel California
The Ramones - Ramones
Stevie Wonder - Songs In The Key Of Life
Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run
Patti Smith - Horses
Willie Nelson - Red Headed Stranger
Al Green - Call Me
Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brick Road
David Bowie - The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust
The Rolling Stones - Exile On Main Street
Stevie Wonder - Talking Book
Jimmy Cliff And Various Artists - The Harder They Come
Joni Mitchell - Blue
Dolly Parton - Coat Of Many Colors
David Bowie - Hunky Dory
Led Zeppelin - IV
Black Sabbath - Paranoid
The Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers
Carole King - Tapestry
Marvin Gaye - What's Going On
The Who - Who's Next
Neil Young - After The Gold Rush
Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water
John Lennon - Plastic Ono Band
Van Morrison - Moondance
1960s
The Beatles - Abbey Road
Miles Davis - Bitches Brew
Sly & The Family Stone - Stand!
The Band - The Band
Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
Johnny Cash - At Folsom Prison
Aretha Franklin - Lady Soul
The Beatles - The Beatles ("The White Album")
The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Are You Experienced
Aretha Franklin - I Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You
The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground And Nico
Bob Dylan - Blonde On Blonde
The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
The Beatles - Revolver
Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited
Otis Redding - Otis Blue
The Beatles - Rubber Soul
John Coltrane - A Love Supreme
James Brown - Live At The Apollo (1963)
Ray Charles - Modern Sounds In Country And Western Music
Robert Johnson - King Of The Delta Blues Singers
1950s
Miles Davis - Kind Of Blue
Little Richard - Here's Little Richard
Frank Sinatra - Songs For Swingin' Lovers
Frank Sinatra - In The Wee Small Hours
LOTD reader PrincessPi polled her workmates ("a bunch of dirty ho’s who’ve spend many hours in bars being hit on by drunken post-college frat boys") to come up with this list of pukeworthy pickup lines:
Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course if I were on you, I’d be coming, too.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.
Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy.
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
PrincessPi: "The following are for nerds only, because they need lurve too."
If you were a phaser, you’d be set on stunning.
I’ve heard Uranus rotates on its side. True?
Ever wonder what Earth looks like from the back of a Ford Explorer?
Hey, nice GUI. Want to integrate our matrices?
Nice Wifi. Wanna fuck?
What's the worst one(s) you've ever used or heard?
And from MiscMasala.com, cheesy pickup lines in various languages, so you can be a loser in any country.
"Do you come here often?"
French: Tu viens ici souvent?
Spanish: ¿Viene aqui mucho?
Italian: Vieni spesso qui?
German: Kommst du hier oft?
Dutch: Kom je heir vaak?
"How you doin'?"
French: Alors, ça roule?
Spanish: ¿Què tal?
Italian: Come stai?
German: Wie geht's?
Danish: Hva så der?
"Is it hot in here, or is it just you?"
French: Il fait chaud ici, ou c`est juste toi?
Spanish: ¿Hace calor aqui, o eres tù?
Italian: Fa caldo qui, o è perchè ci sei tu?
German: Ist es hier warm, oder bist du nur heiβ?
Swedish: Är det varmt här eller, är det bara du?
"Screw me if I'm wrong, but you want to sleep with me, don't you?"
French: Baise-moisi j`ai tort, mais tu veux cocher avec moi, n`est ce pas?
Spanish: Que me jodan si me equivoco:¿tù quieres acostarte conmigo, no?
Italian: Fottimi se mi sbaglio, ma vuoi venire a letto con me, no?
German: Ich soll verflucht sein, wenn ich mich irre, aber du willst doch mit mir schlafen, oder?
Dutch: Ik mag doodvallen als 't niet waar is, maar je wilt met naar bed, hè?
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"
French: Que fait une gentille fille comme toi dans un esprit mal tournè comme le mien?
Spanish: ¿Que hace una chica tan maja como tù en una mente tan sucia como la mìa?
Italian: Che fa una ragazza perbene come te in una mente sporca come la mia?
German: Was macht ein nettes Mädchen wie du in so schmutzigen Gedanken wie meinen?
Danish: Hvad laver en pæn pige som dig i mine beskidte fantasier?
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
French: Si je te disais que tu as un beau corps, tu m'en tiendrais rigueur?
Spanish: Si te digo que tienes un cuerpo precioso,¿me lo restregarà s por la cara?
Italian: Se ti dicessi che hai un bel corpo, lo stringeresti sul mio?
German: Wenn ich sage, dass du einen tollen Körper hast, würdest du es mich spürgen lassen?
Thai (phonetically): Taa chan bok wa khoon mii roobrang tii som suan khoon ja yeng chan mai?
"That's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?"
French: Que belle paire de jambes, A quelle heure s'ouvrent-elles?
Spanish: Vaya par de piernas. ¿A què hora abren?
Italian: Che bel paio di gambe. A che ora aprono?
German: Das sind hübsche Biene—und wann öffnen sie?
Russian (phonetically): Haroshenikie nozhki, a kagda ani atkryvayootsya?
"That's a nice dress. It would look great on my bedroom floor."
French: Quelle belle robe. Je la vois bien par terre dans me chambre.
Spanish: Llevas un vestido muy bonito. Quedarìa precioso en el suelo de mi habitaciòn.
Italian: Che bel vestito. Andrebbe molto bene sul pavimento della mia camera da letto.
"My underwear is edible."
French: Mes sous-vètements sont comestibles.
Spanish: Mi ropa interior es comestible.
Italian: Le mie mutande sono commestibili.
German: Meine Unterwäsche ist essbar.
Hebrew (phonetically): Hatakhtonim sheli akhilim.
And, if any of these should actually work...
"I'm not sleeping on the wet spot."
French: Je ne dors pas sur la partie mouillèe.
Spanish: Yo no duermo encima de este charco.
Italian: Non dormo sulla chiazza bagnata.
German: Ich schlafe nicht auf der nassen Stelle.
Thai (phonetically): Chan ja mai non bon puen biaak.
A follow-up to yesterday's scary ride photos.. a list rom About.com... which is still just one person's opinion, so take it for what it's worth. The author chose 5 wood and 5 steel coasters.
WOOD COASTERS
Boulder Dash
(Lake Compounce, Bristol, CT)
Located anywhere else, this wonderful roller coaster would still be a top favorite. Great airtime, smooth ride, relentless speed from start to finish. The fact that it is built into the side of a mountain and careens around trees and boulders, however, pushes it to the top of the list.
El Toro
(Six Flags Great Adventure, Jackson, NJ)
Opened in 2006, the adrenaline-pumping, smooth-as-silk El Toro is among the best wooden coasters on the planet -- except I'm not sure it's correct to characterize it as a wooden coaster. (Its track is made from laser-cut, prefabricated, bonded, and laminated wood sections.) Whatever El Toro is (or is not), there's no denying that it is an incredible achievement and a joyful rush to ride.
Raven
(Holiday World, Santa Claus, IN)
The roller coaster that proves the adage, "size isn't everything," Raven packs delerious airtime and out-of-control speed into its 90-second ride.
GhostRider
(Knott's Berry Farm, Buena Park, CA)
Another creation from Custom Coasters, Inc., the folks that built Boulder Dash. These people really knew how to deliver new-age wood coasters (CCI went belly-up in 2002). Most of their monsters seem to defy the laws of physics and somehow override the effects of friction to keep the roller coaster trains screaming until the brake run before the station. GhostRider is no exception.
Cyclone
(Astroland, Coney Island, Brooklyn, NY)
Sure, there may be "better" roller coasters. It's not the smoothest ride (one fan I know likened the first drop to riding down the rungs of an 85-foot ladder). But this classic is one of the originals and holds a special place in the hearts of fans. The Cyclone is nostalgic, yet surprisingly vital, after all these years.
STEEL COASTERS
Superman: Ride of Steel
(Six Flags New England, Agawam, MA)
Speed, airtime, G-forces: This hypercoaster gives riders the perfect combination of everything a great roller coaster should have and never stops giving it from the moment of the first terrifying drop until it returns to the station. An instant classic.
Apollo's Chariot
(Busch Gardens Europe, Williamsburg, VA)
There's only one word to describe the steel hypercoaster, Apollo's Chariot: smooth. And exhilarating. And one of the best coasters anywhere. (OK, that's way more than one word. So sue me.) But the operative word is smooth.
The Incredible Hulk
(Islands of Adventure, Orlando, FL)
A launched roller coaster unlike any other. It must be ridden to be believed.
Millennium Force
(Cedar Point, Sandusky, OH)
The coaster-lovers' park that first gave us a hypercoaster (Magnum XL-200) topped itself with this 310-foot "giga-coaster." It's such a long way up, it uses an elevator cable to speed the trains to the top of the lift hill instead of a traditional chain lift.
Desperado
(Buffalo Bill's Casino, Primm, NV)
One of the early hypercoasters, its enormous, yellow track is an ominous sight as you travel the interstate between L.A. and Vegas. Of all the roller coasters I've ridden, this one produced the most sustained free-floating airtime. What a rush! It's simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying -- and that pretty much defines a great roller coaster experience.
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LOTD veteran Kurt sends these gut-busting videos from Wired.com. The story:
Banned From YouTube: Parody Guitar Videos(Full article and many more shredding vids here.) Each vid has a commercial before it, sorry.Earlier this week, YouTube pulled the plug on funnyman and media artist Santeri Ojala,whose hilarious and popular "shredding" videos poke fun at the world's great guitar players.
YouTube said it received three complaints of copyright infringement and automatically suspended Ojala's account. They declined to say who filed the complaints, but it was likely the guitar gods themselves -- or their representatives.
Ojala, who overdubs rock concert footage with his own bad guitar playing, says he has no plans to fight YouTube's decision, which would likely require him to hire a lawyer and file suit against the company.
Photoshops of celebs as regular people. From PlanetHiltron.com.
Amy Winehouse
Ashley Simpson
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner
Nicole Richie
Jennifer Aniston
John Travolta
Pam Anderson
Sharon Stone
The Beckhams
Oprah
Pam Anderson
Paris & Nicki Hilton
Madonna
Mariah Carey
Nicole Kidman
The Olsen twins
Jessica Simpson
J-Lo and Mark Anthony
Johnny Depp
Kendra Wilkinson ("The Girls Next Door")
Marlon Brando
Carmen Electra
Gwyneth Paltrow
Paris Hilton, R.N.From a readers' poll at EW. I'll give a big amen to Freaks & Geeks and Boomtown, both great shows. I also liked the little bits I saw of Veronica Mars and Arrested Development. Thumbs down to anyone who wants to resurrect the godawful Reunion, Drive or Max Headroom.
Got any to add?
Freaks and Geeks, although they'd have to recast all the roles...Maybe just a very special ''where are they now'' episode. —Shannon
Angel. The darkest, most complex and interesting, and best of the Joss Whedon shows, especially during Season 5 when it was wrongly canceled. —LMB
Sports Night. What a great show — everybody went on to greater things except the second lead (whose name escapes me...but he was a cutie). —TVSlave (The second lead was Josh Charles. He's turned up in a few other things. I just saw him on the new HBO series, "In Treatment.")
Grosse Pointe was ahead of its time and on the wrong network — witty and razor sharp, I think it would be a great addition to the HBO/Showtime lineup, where it could really let loose. —X
I would have loved one more season of Rome — I am still sad I never got to see the battle royale between Livia and Atia. —Honeybee
Early Edition, a Kyle Chandler series from the '90s — anyone else remember it? He got the newspaper a day early? —Laura
Drive, with Nathan Fillion. Only because I hate it when shows get canceled right after a cliff-hanger. —Adrienne
Popular. The WB put it in an absolutely horrible time slot in its second season, and it died there. But, seriously, has there been a better cast of characters than there was on this show? I need some more Mary Cherry. NOW. —denny
Covington Cross. Does anyone besides me remember this show? It took place in medieval times...kind of a cross between comedy and drama. I loved that show and was so upset when they took it off. —Auriana
What, not one single other person on earth wants more Max Headroom? —Scotto
My dream, if I somehow became extremely independently wealthy, is to start a network that picks up shows with critical acclaim and devoted fan bases after networks have cast them off. Veronica Mars, you are safe here. —El
My vote is for Eyes. Curse you, ABC. for only giving us a handful of what promised to be an awesome show! Tim Daly deserves better than the dreck that is Private Practice. —maryw
My So Called Life. Hello, greatest show ever canceled. Possibly greatest show of all time. We will never find out if Angela's dad was cheating, if Angela chooses Brian over Jordan, if Rae Ann ever quits drinking, or what happens to poor loveable Ricki. That show broke my heart. —KR
Jake 2.0 — It was like Chuck, but good. And Christopher Gorham is so fine, Ugly Betty doesn't use him enough. —joan catskills
HBO's Carnivale. It ended on a cliffhanger, and had one of the greatest casts in TV history; nobody could do gruff silences like Nick Stahl or the anti-Christ bellow like Clancy Brown. —Michelle
Brimstone. John Glover could give Ray Wise a run for the money for ''most awesomest Lucifer.'' —Kathleen
Skin — modern-day Romeo and Juliet, where her dad was a porn mogul but a fairly decent guy and his parents were politicians and not very nice people. The Juliet character was played very nicely by a pre-O.C. Olivia Wilde. —Lauren
I only recently discovered Once & Again, and I zipped through all three shortish seasons. Sure, the show had its flat moments, but there was so much to love and it ended too soon. —Kati
Wonderfalls — it's the only show I ever shed a tear over when it was canceled. —step
Arrested Development. Though I am glad that the cast's careers are doing so well (especially Will Arnett and Michael Cera), I still hold a hope in my heart. —Christine
Boomtown. This show was amazing, and I actually had to stop a Boomtown marathon because I was crying too hard and was waaay too invested in these characters. The acting is spectacular, especially from Donnie Wahlberg, Neal McDonough, and Mykelti Williamson. —Emily
Farscape — an absolutely compelling blend of comedy, drama, romance, and action with some of the wittiest dialogue and electric chemistry ever to grace the small screen. —atlantagirl
Century City. It was a courtroom drama set in the near future, taking on cases like ''are avatars living beings and do they have rights?'' —ladyli1
I would love to see Gideon's Crossing brought back. A great, underrated show which featured McSteamy before he was McSteamy and a great Andre Braugher. —RachelB
Joan of Arcadia. I was so crushed when they canceled it. How does a show get nominated for best drama one year and get canceled the next? —Rhonda
Ooo...I totally miss Jack & Bobby. Christine Lahti was amazing. —Marie
Reunion - about the six friends, one of whom ends up murdered, and it follows them from 1985 to 2005, in order to figure out who killed who. It only needed one season and they canceled halfway through. —Wilson
Kindred: The Embraced — about several clans of modern day vampires. The show was a summer replacement series about 10 or 12 years ago and, despite a few soap-opera plot lines, it was by far the most intelligent vampire-related series on TV prior to the Buffy and Angel universe.
A great idea from TigergirlM. Some of these aren't from coasters but other rides, like the Stratosphere in Las Vegas, and a few begged for some (shitty) Photoshop help. All are better if you click for a larger view, especially the last one. There's a lot going on in that pic.
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Wow. I never watched this. Looks like I missed out on some seriously wacky hijinks. You'd think they would start locking the F-ing front door, all those people stumbling in.
From CelebrityCowboy.com. I can't vouch for the accuracy of all these, and some of these fugnuts have more arrests than are listed here. But you get the idea. Lots of potheads and wife-beaters in Hollywood.
Rerun of an LOTD favorite. It won't be easy, but try to stick with it long enough to witness the interpretive dance.
I think Reenie used all of these on her kids at one time or another.
Keva sent me this note earlier. I laughed. In addition to being NSFW, LOTD is now NSFM.
My mom just called and here is how the conversation went:
Mom: Hey, what's the name of that website you go to where you see all of the funny pictures? (I had shown her one post a few weeks ago)
Me: Why?
Mom: Because I want to see it!
Me: Well, mom..that's kinda my place. I don't really want you going there because I hang out there.
Mom: And what?
Me: And it's my place. I am not going to tell you.
Mom: It was "list" something...
Me: Mom, ok fine..but there isn't anything on there you are going to like. It's listoftheday.blogspot.com.
Mom: Ok..wait a minute....(she's logging in...) Ass-tray??!?!? What in the world kind of place is this?!?
Me: I told you you wouldn't like it.
Mom: This is what you look at all day?
Me: Affirmative.
I've haven't seen a movie on the day it opened since Battlefield Earth, but I'll be here on May 22.
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(From last November. One of my meaner posts, I guess, but this kind of crap chaps me.)
I've been seeing those commercials for Shrek The Third on DVD that say, "Critics call it the best Shrek yet!" They do? I've seen all three, and calling Shrek The Third "the best Shrek yet!" is like calling Godfather 3 "the best Godfather yet."
So I started watching the spots to find out what kind of moron would actually say that, because I wanted to e-mail that person and ask them if they really do think that Shrek The Third is "the best Shrek yet," or if they just like seeing their name in print, because they know they'll be the only nimrod on the face of the planet that will say something that ludicrous?
In this case, the nimrod is Pat Collins of WWOR-TV, and instead of e-mailing her, I decided to dig a little and find out what other universally loathed movies won her self-serving, flatulent praise. It was so much worse than I expected that I had to make a list of her keen observations, along with quotes from slightly more discerning critics for comparison.
Ms. Collins is not the only critic who loves every movie she's ever seen (hello, Jeffrey Lyons!), but someone has to take one for the team.
Pat Collins: "The best Shrek yet!"
Premiere: "Whatever wit and charm were present in the original Shrek have long since vanished."
Village Voice: "Blinded by avarice, and all out of ideas."
San Diego Union-Tribune: "Essentially the movie is saying to its loyal crowd: You bought this stuff before, now take it re-canned."
Pat Collins: "Truly amazing! You have never seen anything like it before!"
Roger Ebert: "Plot, character, dialogue and even your engagement all disappear into the Suck Zone."
FilmCritic.com: "Never before have I experienced a movie that blew it so badly."
Supercalafragilistic.com: "I hate this movie."
Pat Collins: "The mother of all comedy events! Williams and Crystal are hilarious!"
Roger Ebert: "Brainless. This movie could have been written by a computer."
Austin Chronicle: "I have visions of producers clucking to themselves about how Billy Crystal and Robin Williams were the stars of their movie and what more could anyone want?"
ReelViews.com: "Fathers' Day isn't just bad, it's awful."
Pat Collins: "Taxi is the year's funniest movie!"
Roger Ebert: "A lame-brained action comedy... wall-to-wall idiocy."
Los Angeles Times: "Full of weak jokes and scenes so meandering they make Saturday Night Live look like a paragon of brevity and wit."
Reel.com: "We have a winner! Taxi is officially the worst movie of 2004."
Pat Collins: "The best romantic comedy since Pretty Woman!"
BBC: "Bizarre. Mistakes asinine for amusing."
Orlando Sentinel: "If you think that Jennifer Lopez showed poor judgment in planning to marry Ben Affleck, wait till you see Maid in Manhattan."
Philadelphia Weekly: "An airless, prepackaged Julia Roberts wannabe that stinks so badly of hard-sell image-mongering that you'll wonder if Lopez's publicist should share screenwriting credit."
Pat Collins: "A heart-stopping, spine-chilling, adrenaline-pumping, run-for-your-life thriller!"
Roger Ebert: "A shallow exercise... contains no substance or meaning."
Washington Post: "A brightly wrapped, ketchup-
Apollo Guide: "With all the star-power at their disposal, this is the best they could do?"
Pat Collins: "The best Batman yet."
Austin Chronicle: "Batman forever… and ever… and -- yawn -- ever."
FilmCritic.com: "The plot has enough holes to drive the Batmobile, the Batplane, and the Batboat through."
Variety: "Hollow at its core."
Pat Collins: "This is the volcano movie to see!"
New York Times: "Numbing... exhausting... patronizing."
Roger Ebert: "An absolutely standard, assembly-line undertaking. No wonder one of the extras is reading a paperback titled 'Screenwriting Made Easy'.''
Internet Reviews:"Even the dog should be embarrassed. Does Tommy Lee Jones need money this badly?"
Pat Collins: "Better than the first!"
The New York Times: "The fun is gone. Lazy, unresponsive, perfunctory."
Ebert: "Confusing and endless action scenes."
Washington Post: "The setup is the same, the characters are the same, even the jokes and some of the scenes are the same. The only difference is that nobody seems to be having much fun this time out -- the audience least of all."
Pat Collins: "Uproariously funny. It brings down the house!"
Variety: "A retrograde affair, wallowing in the mustiest racial and political stereotypes."
New York Times: "Haphazard plotting and uninspired direction. A mess."
L.A. Weekly: "Actor-screenwriter-director Chris Rock makes the kind of movies that Chris Rock the standup comedian slashes and burns in his live routines."
Pat Collins:"Two medal-winning performances in a go-for-the-gold love story!"
Roger Ebert: "There is essentially not an original moment in the entire film. This material is as old as primeval cinematic sludge."
Washington Post: "Hackneyed and feeble. Rocky on skates."
Pat Collins: "The best Weapon yet! A big winner."
Austin Chronicle: "Riggs and Murtaugh now seem little more than stock characters who fall just short of caricatures -- Abbott and Costello in blue.
Rolling Stone: "Mediocrity wielded by experts. It's not a movie, it's a machine. Why a third time? The first movie earned $65 million, and the second more than doubled that. End of discussion."
Pat Collins: "100% pure excitement. Visually stunning and refreshingly different."
Washington Post: "In a word, dullsville."
Movieline: "Soupy and derivative of all the wrong movies."
FilmCritic.com: "A bloody mess (in both artistry and gore), and extremely difficult to watch."
Pat Collins: "A must-see laugh-out-loud comedy! Hilariously funny."
New York Post: "Rock's second dud in a row as an actor-
Toronto Star:
Slate.com: "Not a funny movie. At all."
Pat Collins: "Val Kilmer is a sexy, seductive, sinfully good saint."
New York Times: "Loud, frantic, ridiculously overproduced and featuring a preening performance by Val Kilmer. Matches Mission: Impossible in needless remaking."
Salon.com: "A soulless piece of claptrap."
Pat Collins: "Hilarious! Just when you think it can’t get any funnier…it does."
Salon.com: "Gratingly unfunny, mean-
New York Post: "The Farrelly Brothers have jumped the orifice."
Los Angeles Times: 
Pat Collins: "The best romance since Gone With The Wind!"
Roger Ebert: ""A square peg pounded into a round hole. Not believable at all."
Austin Chronicle: "There's no spark or chemistry."
Movieline: "Hobbled with a meandering script, an erratic performance by Richard Gere, and an overbearing score by Danny Elfman."
A new spin on an old classic. Well, not that new -- I saw it last year -- but I don't think I've never run it here.
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One of my favorite TV series as a kid was the live-action "Batman" starring Adam West. The show debuted in 1966 as a two-night-a-week mini-serial, and immediately became a hit with both kids and adults. Top celebrities of the day fell over themselves trying to get a guest spot as one of the show's many villains, who were the real stars of the show.
But the glow wore off after just three seasons, and Batman was cancelled due to poor ratings in 1968. The show lives on in syndication, which is where I saw it, but it's hard to find on the air anymore, and it's not on DVD yet because of legal battles between Fox and DC Comics.
A list of villains from the show:
Catwoman
The Joker
The Penguin
The Riddler
King Tut
Egghead
Mr. Freeze
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds
The Archer
The Siren
The Bookworm
False Face
The Minstrel
Ma Parker
Zelda The Great
Louie The Lilac
Lola Lasagne
Lord Pfogg & Lady Peasoup
Shame
The Puzzler
Chandell
The Sandman
The Clock King
The Black Widow
The Mad Hatter
Dr. Cassandra Spellcraft and Cabala
Minerva
Nora ClavicleLOTD fan Scott sends this chuckler from the "No Shit" file. The only question is which one they chose.. Judi Dench or someone else?
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So simple, yet so amusing.
Cornholio
Mr. T
Peter Griffin
Full Metal Jacket (my favorite)
Dwight Shrute
Jack Torrance
Stewie Griffin
Christopher Walken 1
Spicoli
Hank Hill
Bill Lumbergh (Office Space)
Andrew "Dice" Clay
Napoleon Dynamite
Ned Flanders
Scarface
Sling Blade
Joe Pesci 1
Simon Cowell insults
Jack Bauer
Apu (The Simpsons)
Christopher Walken 2
Joe Pesci 2
Borat
Spinderfella and I have produced some strange TV together over the years, but this one takes the cake...a phony telethon for the humor-impaired, hosted by Fred Willard (Best In Show). The pieces ran in breaks during a TBS comedy movie marathon over the 2002-03 New Year's weekend. They wanted something different, and got it. But hey, we had a blast, made ourselves laugh and got to work with the great Fred Willard, who was a joy. And we put two hot chicks (future Playmate Tiffany Fallon and model Candace Carbo) in nighties.
Proceed with caution. The following photos are of a frank and horrific nature, and intended for a mature audience. There is also naughty language and a mutant nipple. Viewer discretion is advised.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary
Knock it off, you're fuckin' scary!
The "after" photo was taken just as Kenny saw his new face in the mirror for the first time.
Posh Spice and her roto-cans. I bet Beckham can't bend those anvils.
Priscilla - the new face of Ghoul by L'Oreal
And Mickey Rourke as Mr. Potato Face
All she's missing is a wick
Word out of Hollywood - Kate's a lock for Scream IV
Farrahcuda
Why, model Shaune Bagwell, why?
The strange case of Vivica Fox's mutant breast. Tape or implant gone south? You decide.
Pam Anderson's left nipple passed away in her sleep last night after a long battle with the scalpel
In another ironic bit of casting, Julie "Catwoman" Newmar will portray The Joker in the upcoming Batman Continues.
How many lifts can one man have
Before you still call him a man?
The answer, my friends
Is on Bruce Jenner's chin
Beneath his drawn botox'd cadaver skin
Not if she were the last woman on the planet
Once upon a time there was a pretty soap opera actress named Hunter Tylo who was so kind, she said to herself, "You know, self, you're just too pretty. It's not fair to everyone else. You need to be less pretty." So, she went to see the Evil Discount Plastic Surgeon and told him to make her ugly. And he did. The end.
The Human Skin Graft
The Cat Lady
Two more, suggested by Amy H.
I don't want what she's having
The tattoo is meant to be a distraction
Final post of Valentinepalooza. From my cajun pal, Willie, Worth1000.com and GBehh.com.
This reminds me of the Darwin Awards couple who fell off the building while bumpin' uglies.
An addition from the fine and foxy Jennifer B.
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LOTD reader Jason reminded me of this cut from Jon Secada, who, like his cousin the cicada, appears once every 13 or 17 years, which means Jonny's due for another hit any day now.
What would you think if I said I liked this song? I'm not saying I do or don't, just wondering what you would think if I did.
You want a massage, but you'll get Russell Stover's? You want flowers, but you'll get Chili's?
Speak.
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The good Dr. Toni sent me this cool vid. Thanks, T.
GCS is one of my favorite places. I'd love to spend a day there with a camera, taking pics of the architecture, the lighting and the people.
A great moment from a movie I love, The Fisher King. Parry (Robin Williams) is a college professor who becomes homeless and delusional after a tragedy in his life (I won't spoil it in case you haven't seen the movie). He loves Lydia (Amanda Plummer) from afar, and watches her every day as she walks through Grand Central Station. One day, this is what he sees.
