I post this in honor of the Darwin Award winners who like died and stuff doing this same deed.
Sex Act - Caught On Rooftop
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
This year's winners, in case you missed the broadcast. Oh, that's right. There wasn't one.
Best Motion Picture
Best Motion Picture (Musical Or Comedy)
Best Foreign-Language Film
The Diving Bell And The Butterfly
Julian Schnabel - The Diving Bell And The Butterfly
Best Animated Feature Film
Best Actor (Drama)
Daniel Day Lewis - There Will Be Blood
Best Actor (Musical or Comedy)
Johnny Depp - Sweeney Todd
Best Supporting Actor
Javier Bardem - No Country For Old Men (well-deserved!)
Best Actress (Drama)
Julie Christie - Away from Her
Best Actress (Musical or Comedy)
Marion Cotillard - La Vie En Rose
Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett - I’m Not There (and she wasn't!)
Ethan Coen - No Country For Old Men
Best Original Score
Best Original Song
“Guaranteed” - Into The Wild
Best Golden Globes
(tie) Salma Hayek, Jennifer Love Hewitt
No, my wife didn't post this. I don't like Chips Ahoy.
overweight, flaccid married man on the prowl
Date: 2007-12-18, 9:44PM EST
Yep, my husband, for the third time, is prowling the intertubes looking for some half-blind, brain dead female to tell him he's the greatest thing since sliced bread.
He needs to hear this every day - especially when he's sitting in his recliner for the 16th consecutive hour watching the Sci-Fi channel with the remote in one hand and a bag of Chips Ahoy in the other, belching and breathing through his mouth.
The lucky lady who responds to his plaintive whining will receive 27 pairs of XXL boxer briefs complete with skidmarks which he will expect you to wash, fold and put back in his drawer. In the bedroom you will receive five minutes of sloppy, wet, tongue down the throat kisses - but please don't expect him to brush his teeth beforehand...oh no. More than once a day is far too much effort for him to put forth, even if he's popped a Cialis and is hoping for a sweaty fuck before he rolls over and spends the rest of the night snoring and farting and drooling on the pillow.
During relations the lucky lady will need to work diligently to get him semi-erect, using any and all means possible, with the exception of fellating him, which he does not enjoy. Not that you'd want to put your face anywhere near his smelly nether regions.
If you're lucky, he'll get a wimpy little erection and you will have to jump on and pump away before it disappears. Don't worry that you will tire yourself doing all of the hard work, he will come in less than 11 strokes.
So, if you come across his ad on whichever "married but looking" sites he is using these days, take what he says with a grain of salt. Oh, and tell him his wife says he's finally driven the last nail in the coffin.
The 2007 winners have just been announced at the Darwin Awards web site (full article here). The Darwin Awards are "named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, [and] commemorate those who improve our gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it."
Yesterday you read about the runners-up. Here is this year's big winner:
The Enema Within
Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well, rectally.
His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. The machine shop owner couldn't drink alcohol due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favorite beverage via enema.
One May evening, Michael was in for one hell of a party. He convinced his wife to administer two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address! When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed.
The next morning, Michael was dead. The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%, but his wife was arrested for administering the fatal enema.
In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. (5/21/04, Texas; charges against wife were finally dropped in 2007)