A classic from SNL (meaning, yeah, it's old, but TFB...watch it again, cuz it's funny). Thanks, Lynn, for sending it. Screw NBC and YouTube.
Here's the Chopping Broccoli vid mentioned by Tink. I don't think I've ever seen this before. Good stuff. Is it a cliché to say I miss Phil Hartman? Because I try to avoid clichés like the plague.
And as long as I'm posting great old SNL clips, here's my all-time favorite, which I like to post every few months to remind you that it's my all-time favorite.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
my casual encounters experience
Date: 2007-12-17, 1:00AM EST
OMG, I can't believe I'm posting in CE. I need to feel a man's body against mine. I'm feeling adventurous. I can sit in the comfort of my own apartment, in my decidedly not sexy saggy-ass pajamas, and pick a hot young stud to come over and sex me up. Hooray for the internet, thank you Craig, let's get it on.
268 emails in the course of 24 hours. WHOA. There's the guy who asked if I can wear rainboots while we get it on (???), the guy who is old enough to be my dad and sent me a picture of himself in leather assless chaps (I double-checked to make sure I didn't post in M4M by accident after that), and the desperate 19 year-old who is a virgin but thinks I'd be "perfect" for his first time. I am re-thinking my decision not to go to the bars this weekend. No no, I must be strong, keep the faith. I feel that dick is not far away, I must persist.
I pick you. You look relatively normal. Your email was funny, not too long, not generic. I toss my fate into the wind and see where it will take me.
We exchange pictures. I wonder if that picture of your dick was taken at that angle to make it look bigger? Hmm. Yeah, that picture of me? Well, I sifted through the 200 most recent photos of me and picked the most flattering one. Heh.
We meet up. You look about 5 years older than you do in your picture. That's okay, because I weigh about 10 pounds more now than I did in that picture I sent. But hey, guess what? I'm wearing sexy lingerie. And you're a man, with a penis, I've already screened you, spent two days trading witty emails back and forth with you, and goddammit, I'm gonna fuck you. That's just how it is. I'm too horny to go back now.
After a couple of drinks, it's clear that it's time to do something next. Because it's not polite to tell someone you want their dick inside of you as soon as possible, when you suggest we head to dinner, I agree.
This feels like a date. I didn't want a date. I want sex.
We head back to my place. FINALLY. We make out for a little bit. Did you forget to shave this morning? That "soul patch" you have? First of all, it's really circa 1992. Secondly, it's giving me stubble-burn.
Ha ha, you're wearing "Vote for Pedro" boxers. I forgive you for the soul patch. Actually, I think "Pedro" might be voting for me right now :)
Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral.
UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems.
Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkeling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough.
You slip on a condom, and start the old "hump and grunt." You hump. You grunt. I'm not sure, but my bed might have just become a time machine, and I think we're back in 1998, because this is how boys fucked in high school. How old are you again?
I start thinking about going to the store tomorrow. I think I'm out of cereal. Should I get some more of those pasta things? Maybe I'll try the pesto kind this time.
The hump and grunt continues.
What? You're about to cum? That's nice. Thanks for letting me know. Go right ahead. I'm glad at least you had fun.
You pass out afterwards, and start to snore. I lie there, thinking. I'm totaling up my investment on this little CE situation we have going here:
box of condoms, the good kind: $13
sexy new sweater that I wore: $39
cost of the load of laundry that I will do tomorrow, after your hairy ass gets out of my bed: $3.50
... and, the non-monetary yet incredibly important contribution of my time, which could have been better spent, oh, I don't know, washing my hair or prepping my tax return: roughly 7 hours (three hours of email + four hours of pseudo date + bad sex)
.....Learning why I should stop browsing casual encounters and just use my vibrator instead: PRICELESS.
- Location: an economic analysis
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Labels: misc humor
From Rolling Stone, who actually list their top 50, but Wednesday is half-assed day, so you only get 25. And no commentary, since I only have one of these (Icky Thump) and haven't even heard of half these people. Guess I need to shoebox my Pearl Jam CDs and join the 21st century.
- Kala - M.I.A.
- Magic - Bruce Springsteen
- American Gangster - Jay-Z
- Neon Bible - Arcade Fire
- Graduation - Kanye West
- In Rainbows - Radiohead
- Sound Of Silver - LCD Soundsystem
- Under The Blacklight - Rilo Kiley
- New Wave - Against Me!
- Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga - Spoon
- Revival - John Fogerty
- Cassadaga - Bright Eyes
- Alright Still - Lily Allen
- Super Taranta! - Gogol Bordello
- Finding Forever - Common
- Let's Stay Friends - Les Savy Fav
- Icky Thump - The White Stripes
- West - Lucinda Williams
- Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon - Devendra Banhart
- The Awakening - Melissa Etheridge
- Year Zero - Nine Inch Nails
- Memory Almost Full - Paul McCartney
- Cookies - 1990s
- Raising Sand - Robert Plant and Alison Krauss
- Minutes To Midnight - Linkin Park