Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Best Of The Worst Christmas Albums, Vol. 1

The soundtracks of Christmas. In Hell.








WTF, Billy?
























Santa's got a big surprise for Mom in that bag. Now run along to bed, kids.












































"Songs" from John Lithgow, Martin Sheen, Donny & Marie, Wendie Malick, Bebe Neuwirth, Sean Hayes, Megan Mullally, Alex Kingston, Jay Leno and more will have you praying for the sweet relief that only death can bring.







51 comments:

  1. WTF, are all those real?? Jaysus.

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  2. Because when I think Christmas albums... I think Waffle House. Wow.

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  3. seriously? these are real? somewhere sweet baby jesus is crying his eyes out.

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  4. Oh my!!! I actually had that "All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth" album.

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  5. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is a Christmas classic and I'll have not a bad word said against it. The lyrics are superb!

    "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer/walking home from our house Christmas Eve/You can say there's no such thing as Santa/but as for me and Grandma we believe"

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  6. Don't be hatin' on Elmo and Patsy, now!

    I do find "The Mom and Dads" to be a bit disturbing, though.

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  7. HEY! That nsync album was great.

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  8. We actually own the Jingle Cats album ... on cassette. How disturbing is that?

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  9. That is a lot of crap!

    I wonder just what the Cap'n's secret is....

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  10. You can't hate on Bette Midler. I didn't know she had a Christmas album, but now that you've brought it to my attention I'm getting it. I love her.

    Who allowed Jabba to put out not one, but 2 x-mas albums. WTF?

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  11. Is it true Billy Idol changed up some lyrics?

    "It's a nice day for a...white sledding."

    "Dancing with my elf."

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  12. Oh my... You've managed to compile a list that would make stabbing my own eardrums out a preferable option to actually listening to them. Rosie?? Good God, it's bad enough hearing her speak let alone freaking sing...
    I seem to recall your saying before how "Grandma Got Run Over..." enraged you and I'm in total agreement. Hearing it makes me want to hurt someone.

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  13. I can't believe William Shatner doesn't have his own album!

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  14. Hah, T-nova! I was just looking for such an atrocity, but, alas, there is none. :-(

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  15. I don't know Korla Pandit, but he is not of this world.

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  16. OMG, did Bing Crosby do a duet with Billy Idol too? It's a nice day for a... White Christmas.

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  17. Oh, rats! The New Kids Christmas album didn't make the cut!

    I don't think the Billy Idol album is real.

    The worst on the list has to be Rosie's offerings. *puke*

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  18. Cary,

    I'm a little disturbed to see Rosie on there twice. Rupaul seems to be calling Rosie a Ho, but I can live with that.

    Why weren't Liberace and Jim Nabors next to each other?

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  19. Two thoughts: 1) Why don't I have Billy Idol's album; 2)That kid looks like he has his two front teeth and then some. Either that or he's a beaver.

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  20. where to begin...

    heino is... well, looking something is up his heino.

    boy, it dont git more redneck then xmas at the wafflehouse!

    jabba sings, not once but twice. bwaa haa haa.

    most of these are truly disturbing.

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  21. There is a NKOTB Christmas album? Forget diamond earrings, I WANT THAT ALBUM!

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  22. Hey! What about A John Waters Christmas album? Or Dr. Demento's Holidays In Dementia, Hot Rod Holiday or everyone's favorite Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classic?

    We're listening to John Waters and Mr. Hanky's right now.

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  23. Korla comes up every now and then on da internets. Always disturbing. Imagine the heard of grannies he's led to their doom over the years. A kind of Pied Pandit...if you may.

    Frank Irwin's link will send you to your doom. Beware and take care.

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  24. Oops forgive my spelling. It should read "herd of grannies".

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  25. I want that Gay Happening Christmas Party album.... who cares what it sounds like?

    (PS - I'm female.)

    Juicy S. Trixx

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  26. Do singles count? If so, you're forgetting the worst ever:

    http://www.numberninethegallery.com/artists/sirpeterblake_5.jpg

    "Do They Know It's Chrsitmas?"

    I mean, do they?

    Shannon

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  27. That does it. I'm putting out a Christmas Album this year. I mean, if these people can do it, so can I!!!
    _Confusia

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  28. I used to have NSYNC's Christmas album on cassette. I was 9 and totally obsessed with them. Even so, I still thought it sucked. I listened to it maybe twice.

    Yoko recorded a Christmas album? Dear God, they shouldn't let her anywhere NEAR a recording studio.

    I now am morbidly curious about Billy Idol's Christmas album. Gotta see if I can find a clip somewhere...

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  29. What? No Manhattan Transfer? They are the WORST, GAYEST group ever to exist on god's green earth. Blech!

    Gomer Pyle can actually sing pretty well, but his outfit is skeery...

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  30. Didn't Shatner put out a Christmas album?

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  31. Hah! I missed "Happy Clucking Holidays." I like the tag-line, "The Greatest Album of Christmas Music Clucked By A Human Chicken Ever!"

    You mean, there's more than one?

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  32. The guy on the "Gay Happenings Present..." album looks like Ben Afleck. Hmmm.

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  33. Nice. I have a suggestion for Volume 2. Hard to believe I still have this album.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_in_the_Stars

    From the Wikipedia entry:

    "The album is notable for featuring the first professional recording of Jon Bon Jovi (credited as John Bongiovi), who sings lead vocals on the song "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas." Jon's cousin Tony Bongiovi co-produced the album and ran the recording studio, where Jon was working sweeping floors at the time."

    That tidbit alone should rate, no?

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  34. Well, I think everyone's pretty much covered it. I just thought I'd *wave* to Bianca.

    Oh, and thank God SJP doesn't sing... or, er whinny.

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  35. Sweet Jesus....those N'Sync boys really looked like broads, didn't they?

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  36. Actually that Billy Idol album isn't bad. Not many artists can pull off "White Christmas" while sneering.

    And I concur with those who feel "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" is the greatest holiday song ever. Followed by "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't be Late)" by Alvin & the Chipmunks, which reached #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in '58.

    Also the Mom And Dads is a pretty good band if you like every song arranged in 3/4 time.

    Apparently I do not fit any known demographic.

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  37. It seems like Colonel Sanders should have been on the cover of the Happy Clucking Holidays one.

    The cover art for the Yoko one is sure bright and cheery, isn't it? HA! :D

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  38. Daisy, if the Colonel was hanging around, I don't think that the Clucking Holidays would be too Happy!

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  39. I have no doubt that every one of these is real - for the following two reasons:

    1) EVERYBODY loves Christmas music (c'mon, fess up)

    2) If you stick to the older traditional carols in the public domain, YOU DON'T OWE ANYONE ANY ROYALTIES. You get to keep it all - it's like printing money.

    (It's almost as good as lining up at the Fed's credit window.)

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  40. ...ahem...I own the Jingle Cats album. It's my favorite one. Drives the dogs nuts.

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  41. I honestly own eight of those. I counted.

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  42. In their holes, I imagine. It's cold here.

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  43. I am so sorely behind on reading my feeds, but just have to say that the Billy Idol album is awesome. I bought the CD a few years ago and it's my very favorite holiday album. He really does pull it off.

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  44. Too many of these might be included here just because of their cover art. Like, check the fine print on Col. Sanders; no, he doesn't try to sing; the LP is just a compilation of typical holiday schmaltz similar to those made for tire stores, dept. stores, banks, etc. And I agree with the fan of the Chipmunks; Ross Bagdasarian ("David Seville") was a good songwriter, arranger, and singer. Hell, when you realize he was holding those "chipmunk" notes twice as long as you're hearing them, the guy had "breath control" even Sinatra might have envied!

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