A satisfying list for my readers. Was it good for you, too?
Link from Spinderfella - thanks, dude.
9. "ICICLE" - TORI AMOS
“And when my hand touches myself
I can finally rest my head
And when they take from his body
I think I’ll take from mine instead
Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.”
Psst, Tori... they can hear you downstairs. Your bedroom is right over the kitchen.
8. "DANCING WITH MYSELF" - BILLY IDOL
“When there’s no-one else in sight
In the crowded lonely night
Well I wait so long
For my love vibration
And I’m dancing with myself.”
Think he keeps his leather glove on when he’s doin’ it?
7. "BLISTER IN THE SUN" - VIOLENT FEMMES
“Let me go on
Like I blister in the sun
Let me go on
Big hands I know you're the one
Body and beats
I stain my sheets
I don’t even know why.”
Because you don't have any tissue on your bedside table? You're gonna get a blister in your palm if you keep pullin' your puddin' all the time.
6. "PRAYING HANDS" - DEVO
“You got your left hand
You got your right hand
The left hand’s diddling
While the right hand goes to work.”
Check out Devo. Hard to believe those handsome fellas would ever have to masturbate, isn't it?
5. "I TOUCH MYSELF" - THE DIVINYLS
“Do we even need to write the lyrics here?
You know the damn thing by now don’t you?
Don’t you?
Fine, here it is
I don’t want anybody else
And when I think about you
I touch myself
Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah.”
When I think about me, I touch myself too.
4. "TURNING JAPANESE" - THE VAPORS
“I’ve got your picture
I’ve got your picture
I’d like a million of you all round my cell
I want a doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You’ve got me turning up and turning down
And turning in and turning ‘round
I’m turning Japanese
I think I’m turning Japanese
I really think so."
"Turning Japanese" means squinting your eyes while rubbing one out. But when you're done, you turn back to whatever nationality you were before you started.
3. "SHE BOP" - CYNDI LAUPER
“Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop -- or I'll go blind
Oop--she bop--she bop.”
She bop, she bop, but I wish she'd stop, she'd stop. Because I'd rather not think about gnarly Cyndi doing that.
2. "THE TOUCH OF MY HAND" - BRITNEY SPEARS
“Cause I just discovered Imagination’s taken over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand the touch of my hand
The small of my back
The arch of my feet
Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me
I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait
I’m into myself in a most precious way.”
Every time Britney reaches for herself, her naughty bits scream, "Leave Britney alone!"
1. "DARLING NIKKI" - PRINCE
“I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess u could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d you like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind."
I think about this song every time I see a stain on a hotel lobby sofa.
Honorable (?) Mentions:
"Pump It Up" - Elvis Costello
"My Ding-A-Ling" - Chuck Berry
"Rosie" - Jackson Browne
"Right In Time" - Lucinda Williams
"Strokin'" - Clarence Carter
"Fingers" - Pink
Source: TheFrisky.com
Punching a clock never felt so good.
11 hours ago
Posts
How could they forget Bill Joel's Captain Jack?
ReplyDelete"Your sister's gone out, she's on a date
and you just sit at home and masturbate"
I guess that I have to be the old guy here and mention one that predates them all. The (formerly scandalous) Who classic, Pictures of Lily.
ReplyDeletePictures of Lily made my life so wonderful
Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night
Pitcures of Lily solved my childhood problems
Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright
How they managed to miss Reverend Horton Heat’s psychobilly crossover semi-hit “One Time For Me”, which is all about a guy trying to convince his girlfriend to go for some dildo play while he’s watching, is totally beyond me.
ReplyDeleteSay my heart’s full of lust,
Say my brain’s goin' bad,
You got your toy you got to use it use it use it,
Cause you're drivin' me mad.
I really wanna,
Wanna see ya,
Do it to yourself
Right now whoa!
Come on and work it baby,
It's just me,
It's not that most don't know how
I said do it do it do it one time for me
Yeah I said do it do it do it so I can see.
I know when you're alone,
And you're sure no one is there,
You got desire saying pump it pump it pump it pump it
'till you cum everwhere yeah!
Say you don't do it,
I know you do,
You can't tell me you can't no no whoa!
You know I love you baby,
Let's have fun
Come on and give me a show
I said do it do it do it one time for me
Yeah I said do it do it do it so I can see.
Yeah you do that real good,
I've never seen you so bad,
I just got to try to free ya free ya free ya free ya
Give you the best that you've had yeah!
I really wanna, wanna see ya, wanna see you explode right now whoa!
Come on and work it baby,
Churn that butter honey,
You're gonna get it and how!
I said do it do it do it one time for me
Yeah I said do it do it do it so I can see!
Yeah!
"The Most Wonderful Girl" by Lords of Acid.
ReplyDeleteOne of the standout tracks from the "Sliver" movie soundtrack in the mid-90s.
Definitely NSFW. Here's some lyrics ... yow!
"Stokin'" by Clarence AssClown. I HATE HATE HATE that song. Often I have discussed this song and my loathing for it with Terpsichore. There was a secretary at a job I once had who played this disgusting song endlessly while she "danced" to it. Anyone who's had to watch a 400 pound woman with a terrible personality dance to this song would hate it as much as I do. Clarence, you suck, and I'm pretty sure you'll have to go to hell for causing me to suffer like that. ha ha
ReplyDelete-Confusia
True, Confusia, but I think he made up for it with "Patches," don't you?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4KjO6gx65w
HA! I think Patches was the son of Mr. Bojangles. ;)
ReplyDeleteHello - Green Day Longview?
ReplyDeleteBite my lip and close my eyes
Take me away to paradise.
Good advice. I'm off.
Love that you have a Tori song as your #1!
ReplyDeleteMinor correction on the lyrics:
"And when they SAY take from His body, I think I'll take from mine instead"
I hate to be a stickler for accuracy (and it's only because I got called on this myself), but the phrase "turning Japanese" as a euphemism for wanking is an urban legend. Even in England (where I've been living for the last 9 years) they've never heard of it, not even in London.
ReplyDeleteSiress, lead singer Dave Fenton has both confirmed and denied the claim at various times, so I think the jury is still out.
ReplyDeleteYou forgot Jellyfish's "He's My Best Friend"
ReplyDelete"i've known him all my life
it seems so inconceviable
at thirteen we shooks hands but we've
been always inseparable
....
that's not to say we haven't had our share of arguments
he's so unpredictable he winks acknowledgments
when i would rather he closed his eye than push me aside
my hand's a five leaf clover and
it's palm sunday over and over
i never had the luck of swingers
till i was wrapped around your finger
....
you don't need a brain to have a stroke of genius
or a beautiful girl to let down your curls
cause growing up is hard enough
he doesn't need a rubber sweater or
alcohol
cause he gets tipsy from exchanging looks
and a little misty reading sticky
blue dirty books
etc.
The shameful thing is that I thought the song was about a one-eyed guy until my friend pointed out the lyrics to me. Young and innocent I was... those days are now long gone.
You need to listen to "Talk to Me" by Stephen Lynch.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't get ahold of it I can send it to you.
It's a "must listen".
LOL
Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders is reportedly about diddlin' as well!
ReplyDeleteWhile Elvis Costello's Welcome to the Working Week isn't about masturbation, per se, it does begin with:
ReplyDeleteNow that your picture's in the paper
Being rhythmically admired,
You can have anyone
You have every desired.
I never knew that's what 'Turning Japanese' was about! Sort of like the phrase 'the vinegar strokes' for the scrunched up face, just before...
ReplyDeleteHowever this list fails badly in omitting Skyhooks' twisted 'Smut'.
It is arguably the best song about public masturbation EVER.
Slip into a cinema and give yourself a treat
Better take a raincoat could be sticky on the seat
Open up your Twisties and open up your fly
Pictures start to flicker as your hand moves down your thigh
If your mother knew what you were doing
She'd probably hang her head and cry
And if she thought that you were whipping the dripping
She'd give you a belt, extract all the teeth of your fly.
etc etc
Worth checking out the video for the costumes etc too. Click here for the video.
Hey gang
ReplyDeleteFirst time poster, long time viewer here. Barenaked Ladies have a great song about the "solo arts" (hey I just made that up!) Anyway its called "Its Only Me (The Wizard Of Magicland). Here is a lyric sample:
"You can say I've tried everything
I'd save on the wedding ring
Who knows me half as well as me?
I'm not anti-social
And it's nothing that's reproachful
It's just natural,
It's only me.
I can't think of anybody else I'd rather
Spend some one on one time with,
It's not that hard to see,
It's only me.
I'm the me in monogamy
I'm not asking a lot of me
I give me R-E-S-P-E-C-T."
Look that song up on ITunes and well, enjoy yourself!
Laura
Chel - "I thought the song was about a one-eyed guy..."
ReplyDeletePriceless.
"Rosie" By Jackson Browne
ReplyDelete"Rosie, you're all right,
You wear my ring,
When you hold me tight,
Rosie that's my thing,
And when I turn out the lights,
I've got to hand it to me,
Lokks like its me and you tonight, Rosie.
Just remember, Frankie says relax.
ReplyDeleteRelax don't do it
When you want to go to it
Relax don't do it
When you want to come
I'm late to this thread, but I must point out that Crispin Glover (best known as Marty McFly in "Back to the Future") released a hilariously bizarre album in 1989 with a song called "Auto-Manipulator," all about masturbation. "I close the bathroom door, I be lookin' so cool... my mama don't know I been touchin' my tool! I'm an auto-manipulator; I play with myself, I'm a masturbator!" ...and so on.
ReplyDelete