Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The 9 Most Unnecessary Greatest Hits Albums Ever

Good stuff from Cracked.com.

I've added some Honorable (?) Mentions at the end, too.



A greatest hits album is an artist's testament to a long and prolific career. Or at least it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that pretty much anybody can release one, regardless of how few hits they actually have to their name. As evidence of this, we give you...


9. THE BEST OF VANILLA ICE

The window of time in which the world actually gave a shit about Vanilla Ice was maybe a year, max. But as adored as he may have been for 52 weeks in 1990-1991, he was absolutely fucking hated a million times more for about ten years after.

Best Moment:
How do you pick just one?

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"If you decide to buy this CD, wait patiently by the mail box till it arrives. Upon arrival, quickly open the box, then pull the security tape from the jewel case. Open the jewel case and place the CD in one hand. Break the CD in half, then slit your wrists with the remaining shards. As you begin to die look at your reflection in the mirror-like surface of the broken CD, and ask your self what you were thinking when you ordered this CD!"


8. THE BEST OF NELSON: THE MILLENNIUM COLLECTION

The second sentence of Nelson's Wikipedia entry perfectly sums up the total lack of need for this "best of" collection to even exist: "They had a No. 1 hit in the United States with "(Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection" during the week of September 29, 1990." Yep, for one fucking week, these dudes were kings!

Best Moment:
"Won't Walk Away," an about-as-awesome-as-Nelson-will-ever-get pop-rock cheese fest that answers the age old question, "what would it sound like if The Replacements were gang raped by Styx?"

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Nelson's powerful melodic sound was the logical follow up to the Journey/Foreigner/Loverboy arena rock sound of the 80's. NELSON ROCKS! There, I said it."


7. AARON CARTER: MOST REQUESTED HITS

Fact: kids have shitty taste in music. They don't know any better. In light of this, we don't care how many "hits" this kid may or may not have had as a result of catering to the 8 and under demographic (we didn't check). We are grown folks talking about grown up shit and we say this kid makes the list. Most requested hits? Requested by who?

Best Moment:
"That's How I Beat Shaq," in which a 15-year-old white kid tells his friends how he met Shaquille O'Neal on a playground and schooled him in a game of one on one. In the end though, it turns out to be a dream! Aw hell naw! We didn't see that coming, yo!

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"A greatest hits collection from the greatest EVER!!! A.C. gets his props as all of his illustrious hits are presented in Dolby 5.1 surround sound!!! WORD. Don't sleep on Aaron Carter, although the omission of "Stride (Jump on the Fizzy) is inexcusable."


6. THE BEST OF COLOR ME BADD

Color Me Badd actually had 5 top 20 singles between 1991 and 1992. Hell, a couple of them even made it to #1. So why shouldn't they have released a greatest hits album? For starters, try naming one of those top 20 singles that isn't "I Wanna Sex You Up." On a slightly unrelated side bar, Wikipedia notes that for the band's fourth album, Now & Forever, "sales were well below those expected from the group, with initial sales of only 32 units in the U.S." There are no sources cited, and that could be a typo, if not, that's the saddest damn thing we've ever read.

Best Moment:
We really can't say enough about "Sexual Capacity." If ever a pan flute was used with sexier results, we'd be astounded. We were kind of shocked just to hear one being used somewhere other than a Zamfir: Master of the Pan Flute commercial or a Kung-Fu flick, actually.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Some nights before I go to bed, I say my prayers and simply stare at my gorgeous self in the mirror. I thank the heavens I look like I do and ask for things like a White Lion reunion tour or Grim Reaper at my four year old's birthday party. Usually, my requests go unanswered. That was, until this CD came out."


5. TONE LOC: WILD THING AND OTHER HITS

Drop the "s" off the end of the album title and release it as a two track CD single featuring "Wild Thing" and "Funky Cold Medina" and you'd have a perfectly legitimate Tone Loc greatest hits collection. Notice that the title "Wild Thing & Other Hits" suggests that somebody is afraid people may have forgotten the name of "the guy who sang 'Wild Thing' back in the 80's." That's probably a valid concern.

Best Moment:
When Vanilla Ice stole the bass line from Queen's "Under Pressure" for his sole hit "Ice Ice Baby," he was taken to court. Tone Loc did the same thing twice on almost equally huge songs. "Wild Thing," which sampled Van Halen's "Janie's Cryin'" and "Funky Cold Medina" which sampled Kiss' "Christine Sixteen," both without permission from the respective bands, resulted in zero lawsuits. Further proof that the world hates Vanilla Ice.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review (Tie):
1. "Loc's production was ultra-smooth and he had lyrical help-- "Funky Cold Medina" and "Wild Thing" are still some of the smartest (and funniest) lyrics in rap, and were penned by none other than Will Smith (the Fresh Prince)."

2. "This guy who typed that Will Smith penned wild thing and funky cold medina obviously does not know what he is talkin about. They were written by Young MC."


4. BRUCE WILLIS: MASTER SERIES

Soulless, borderline-offensive-to-the-genre blues songs performed by rich white men are an art form loved by dozens. Bruce Willis (or Bruno, as he's called by graying douchebags who prefer their blues served with a heaping side of financially stable) actually has FOUR best-of collections. Ultimately, we settled on "The Master Series" because of the awesome title and super gay album cover.

Best Moment:
At the 2:03 mark of an up-to-that-point less-than-lively rendition of "Under the Boardwalk," Bruce unexpectedly shouts "Yipee-ki-yay mother fucker!" and launches into a searing blues rock guitar solo. Ok, not really. There are no good moments to be found anywhere on this CD.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"according to me this record is a very good one because of his very well managed sound and ability to resume in an only one record so much good musiC!"


3. FOREVER MORE: THE GREATEST HITS OF JOHN TESH

As sketchy as our memory tends to be, we would still probably recall if there was a time when John Tesh was tearing up the pop charts, kicking the likes of Prince and Madonna to and fro with his killer synthesizer riffs and complex wind chime arrangements.

Best Moment:
The scarily titled "One World." With its march of war percussion and tension filled strings, if this isn't the theme song to an alien invasion, we don't know what is.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"ONE WORLD--Do I spot allusions to X-FILES?"


2. THE BEST OF YOUNG MC

Putting an actual musician with a huge hit and stone hip-hop classic to his credit ("Bust A Move") ahead of the likes of Hudson Hawk on a list of the most ridiculous greatest hits albums of all time may seem like a curious choice, but this is as far from a greatest hits or best of collection as it gets. In fact, "The Best of Young MC" is really just his first album with a different title, a different album cover and three fewer songs. You heard me: three fewer songs.

Best Moment:
At this point, we don't have the heart to make fun of Young MC anymore. The best moment is "Bust A Move."

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"In the song "Bust A move" Young MC makes a song that might be one of the greatest Hip-Hop songz of all time. He was also one of the first Black Man to ever be on the top of the charts, also Tone Loc. "my Name is young" is another one of Youngs greatest songs where he talks about who he is, and why his rap name is Young MC and that is cause his last name is Young and he also says that when he started he was Young (10 yrs Old) so they called him Young MC."


1. THE BEST OF SHAQUILLE O'NEAL

It's not that Shaq didn't have a lot of hits; it's that he didn't have any hits. None. Have you seen Kazaam? It's better than every damn song on this album. Despite this lack of success, Shaquille O'Neal was the basketball rap pioneer who paved the way for every baller with a shoe contract and a dream to release an album in the mid to late 90s, eventually leading to the doomsday scenario of "K.O.B.E.," a lyrically retarded single by Kobe Bryant featuring Tyra Banks. Thanks, asshole.

Best Moment:
"Biological Didn't Bother (G-Funk version)," a love song dedicated to the dude who married Shaq's mom, set to the type of mid-90s west coast hip hop groove normally reserved for far less gay topics. Inexplicably, it's on the album twice.

Most Awesome Amazon.com User Review:
"Usually people are only lucky enough to be given one truly great talent. Shaq was blessed with two. In fact, he's even better at music than basketball. The songs on The Best Of Shaq move me - some to the point of tears. This Best Of will hold a special place on my cd shelf - right next to The Best Of David Hasselhoff. My only wish now is that Shaq's next album will be one where he just does love songs. It could be called "Love Shaq."

HONORABLE MENTIONS:


Who?


The Stones, yes. Mick solo, no.




Who?




The "best of" Crash Test Dummies is the silence we heard from them after "Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm" finally went away.


There is no such thing as "essential" Don Johnson.


Side 1: "Mmmm Bop" (extended version). Side 2: "Mmmm Bop" (live)






Who else belongs here?

38 comments:

  1. First, I love the addition of Foghat.
    Second, please tell me Eddie Murphy doesn't have a best-of album.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bang!… The Greatest Hits of Frankie Goes to Hollywood

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  3. Cary,

    Did you really resist the urge to add this?

    20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of Jerry Jeff Walker

    Available for a VERY reasonable price at Amazon.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Regan, no, only a Best Comedy Hits album. I checked.

    Mr. Minimac, is that the Bojangles dude?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Spice Girls were good back in the day:(

    ReplyDelete
  6. I really liked Nelson, and even saw them in concert. (Gunnar waved at me...) Their music isn't that bad, really, and if i still had the cassette, I'd probably still listen to it.
    Also, Hanson isn't bad, either. They have a couple songs I really like, but MMMBop only gets played in ultra secret privacy while I'm in my 50 feet below ground lair.
    -Confusia

    ReplyDelete
  7. Good. Now you know which LPs to buy.

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  8. I have a theory that Steve Miller never actually released an album before Greatest Hits 1974-1978.

    I once bought a Knack's Greatest Hits CD thinking it was Get The Knack, which is much better (Go ahead Cary, make fun of me!)

    And what's up with releasing a brand new song on a Greatest Hits CD?

    I also think a Pink Floyd Greatest Hits wouldn't work because how all their songs flow together.

    And Devo has a Greatest Misses CD which is God awful!

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  9. I own Get The Knack. Great CD.

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  10. Yes, Jerry Jeff is Mr. Bojangles. Hey, this could be the intro to another list . . . 20th Century Masters that aren't.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Huh. To me, "Funky Cold Medina" always sounded like "Honky Tonk Women" by the Rolling Stones. I think Cracked needs to check their sources! ;)

    I have nothing to add to the list, although it does bother me when an artist adds new material to a greatest hits album. How arrogant!

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  12. How was Jagger’s album promoted? Mick Alone, The Stone.

    Just a question, a thought or two: Were the Nelson’s hatched? Imported from another planet? Jayne Mansfield & Marilyn Monroe wannabes? Mole children?

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  13. Please delete from eyes my misused apostrophe. Thank you.

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  14. Tone Loc's CD should've been entitled "Titty Bar Faves".

    ReplyDelete
  15. I heard Hilary Duff has a "best of" CD coming out next month. There should be a law....

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  16. I have The Best of Juice Newton on my Ipod.

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  17. Does anyone else think Mick Jagger looks just like Don Knotts?

    ReplyDelete
  18. You need Eddie Murphys album where he really was trying to be singer....

    The song "Party all the time" needs to go down in history on this list!!!

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  19. Lurves me some "MMMMM Bop."

    The husband won't let me listen to it if the child is in the car. Something about polluting his young ears with crap. That leaves me to rock out to "Mmmmmm Bop" all alone. Sad face.

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  20. The Amazon comment for the Vanilla Ice one should get some kind of award. Fucking priceless.

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  21. Pink Floyd has a sort-of 'best of' collection. "Eclipse"

    Also, I wouldn't include Tesh. While not my style, he has a very big following in the adult-soft-contempo genre.

    I wonder if Milli Vanilli has a greatest?

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  22. Stalin had a big following, too.

    Tesh sucks hairy scrote.

    ReplyDelete
  23. My buddy Dave owns a copy of Soft Cell's Greatest Hits. No, I'm not kidding. Besides the obvious, I wouldn't recognize any of the other songs if they walked up to me on the street and punched me in the nose.

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  24. Couple weeks ago I was at my DJ friend's house going through our respective music collections, when I offered to play him one of my favorite songs that my husband hates and promptly (and earnestly) played him Eddie's "Party All The Time." My friend then told me that it was *my* song and when I asked him what he meant, he said it was my song because no one else in hell wanted the damn thing and I could have it all to myself.

    Banish me if you will, but I love that damn song.

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  25. Soft Cell is actually good... but weird.

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  26. Wendy... that just makes me want you even more.

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  27. I HAVE The Best of Foghat. Yeah, well, what can I say?

    Jerry Jeff Walker's best song is Pissing In The Wind (Blowing All Over My Friends).

    There are umpteen "Best Of" Pink Floyd CDs. The latest is "Echos: The Best of Pink Floyd". Yes, I own it. And I have the Eclipse DVD - awesome concert. (But that's it, I swear.)

    I also own an item called "Kihnsolidation: The Best of Greg Kihn". There are like 17 cuts on this CD but once you get past The Breakup Song and Jeopardy, ????????. Last I heard, Kihn was reduced to working as a DJ in L. A.

    Ditto with "The Best of Brownsville Station". Once you get past Smokin' In the Boys Room and The Martian Boogie, it's downhill from there. Cub Koda was also reduced to working as a DJ somewhere in Michigan. Unfortunately he's dead now.

    Sorry, don't own ANY rap, ANY Hanson (sp?), any John Tesh...

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  28. All of Kiss' greatest hits. Including the live albums, they have a total of 17! greatest hits albums. Take those out of their catalog and they have... what? Three records? Someone bring me the head of Gene Simmons on a spike! NOW!!!

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  29. Mick Jagger, The Stone...funny.

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  30. No mention of Aaron Carter's pedophile following?

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  31. I only have two words:

    Slim

    Whitman

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  32. Lita Ford's greatest hits album could definitely fit on here...although, the cover art is better than any of these.

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  33. Cary:

    I get chuckle out of your page but you’re wrong on the Jive Five.
    The Jive Five is one the greatest groups of all time. Go to You Tube and listen to the Do Wop Gold version of "My True Story" and "What Time is it". These guys are 65 years old and your favorite band couldn't carry the Jive Five's jock.

    Jerry

    ReplyDelete
  34. Somewhere I have a copy of "The Best of Sam the Sham and the Phaeros."

    ReplyDelete
  35. 3 Words for you
    "Best of Taco"


    (For a few extra words, alas, they weren't talking about Mexican food.)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Those Nelson guys were pretty badass in the Matrix sequels though...

    ReplyDelete

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