Wednesday, August 13, 2008

10 Most Worthless College Majors

From Kurt and HolyTaco.com

College is a great place to learn and have fun. But let’s not kid ourselves, some degrees are as useless as the plot in a Michael Bay film. Here’s a list of 10 degrees that may be interesting, but do jack shit for you in the real world.


10. Art History

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: With an art history degree you could maybe curate an art gallery or work at a museum or….yeah, that’s it. That’s all you can do. And seeing as how every art gallery and museum I’ve ever been to has exactly one dude sitting quietly at a desk reading a New Yorker and eating a food that requires chopsticks, I’m going to go ahead and assume there’s not a lot of positions open in the field.

What Job You’ll End Up With: After your parents boot your ass from your bedroom, you’ll wander towards the nearest coffee shop and get a job there, which will allow you to meet artists who put fliers by the cash register to inform people of their upcoming show featuring “the combination of art and flute.”


9. Philosophy

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: This isn’t ancient Greece: no one is going to pay you money, or allow you to sodomize their attractive son, in exchange for your knowledge of existence. Never has there been an employer who’s said “Man, we’re having all kinds of problems, I wish we had someone on our team who could reference and draw conclusions from the story of Siddhartha that would pull up our fourth quarter numbers.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: Thanks to your extensive knowledge of philosophy, you’re now self-aware enough to know that most jobs out there will make you totally miserable. So most likely you’ll wait tables part time and hope someone starts paying you for the bi-monthly entries on your blog.


7. Music Therapy

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: I didn’t even know this was a major until I found it on the Appalachian State website. According to them, “Music therapy is the scientific application of the art of music within a therapeutic relationship to meet the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of individuals.” Which is a big, fancy way of saying “We’ll teach you how to make a mix tape.”

What Job You’ll End Up With: After realizing that yoga studios and elderly homes don’t pay people just to come in and set mood music, you’re going to end up putting your degree towards burning a fire to keep warm because you are homeless.


5. Dance

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Despite what “Dancing with the Stars” and “High School Musical” may tell you, there aren’t a lot of dancing jobs out there -- so you better be good, because there really aren’t any gigs for mediocre dancers. Outside of New York or LA there is absolutely nothing you can do with a dance degree that doesn’t involve actually dancing for money. And since the Des Moines interpretive dance movement hasn’t really taken off yet, you have a better chance landing a job as an 8-Track repairman or a member of the Beatles.

What Job You’ll End Up With: After moving to New York and trying out for Hello Dolly! or Damn Yankees or any of the other seven Broadway plays that want dancers and not landing a single one because you got your dance degree from Ball State, you will find ample opportunity to show off your choreographic skills at one of the city’s many strip clubs.


3. Latin

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: Not only does no one speak this language anymore, but we already have all the Latin that exists in the world. There’s no new Latin that’s hot off the presses that needs immediate translating. I’m no business major, but majoring in a language that doesn’t exist anymore doesn’t sound so good for job security.

What Job You’ll End Up With: Since you majored in something that doesn’t exist, you’re going to have two jobs. Your first one will be as the annoying pretentious guy who gives everyone the Latin etymology of every big word he hears at every dinner party he attends. Your second, and most lucrative job, will be as a Subway Sandwich Artist.


2. Film

Why It Won’t Help You Get a Job: No one in hollywood gives a shit that you made a short film about an alcoholic albino that discovers the meaning of life through the help of a retarded child. Unless that retarded child was played by the son of Harvey Weinstein, your film or degree will be as pointless as the last twelve seasons of "ER."

What Job You’ll End Up With: If you’re lucky, you’ll have an uncle who can get you a job as a production assistant on CSI Miami, where your time will be spent making coffee runs and finding whores who will let David Caruso pee on them.

For the rest, see the full article at HolyTaco.com.

23 comments:

  1. Nice "Mr. Bojangles" reference there, Cary.

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  2. Ha! Fun article, Cary, but as usual you made it even better. Your photos of the art history student studying Coolidge's Dogs Playing Poker, the lady in red dancer (I'm wondering what kind of dance she studied??) and your Mr. Bojangles reference were great! You make me laugh. :D

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  3. They forgot Sociology which will allow you to use your vast knowledge of how individulas exist & funtion within their environment when you observe soccer moms & their children as you bag their groceries.

    Obviously, I was not an English major based on that run -n sentence.

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  4. Yes, Tracey. I was at a furniture rental place awhile back, chatting with the saleswoman. We had graduated from the same school, and when she hemmed and hawed after I asked her what her degree was in, I knew what answer was coming:

    "Sociology."

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  5. Frank - that's awesome. It's fun to observe them in their natural habitat - the sales floor.

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  6. what about SOCIOLOGY... crap if you ask me.

    also? love your quote of the day on your header. better off dead = one of the best movies ever.

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  7. oops - should have read your comment first, tracey... you beat me to it! ;)

    i'm an english major and it has gotten me nowhere... other than constantly correcting other people's english...

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  8. I knew a guy with a PhD in Philosophy.

    He was the President of the International Frisbee Association.

    (I kid you not.)

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  9. I a woman with a degree in Anthropology, well.........

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  10. How many times can a person comment on a particular thread before they are deemed to be obsessive?

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  11. Cary, the Mr. Bojangles photoshopping was the funniest part of the whole (very funny) post. I'm still laughing..."who gives a shit"...LOL

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  12. Finding whores who will let David Caruso pee on them....Jesus. Laughing my ass off!

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  13. umm, yeah...that list includes the majors of my entire family: mom - art history, dad - religion, brother and myself - american studies (the kicker to that is that my concentration within the useless major was art and art history, thus making it EVEN MORE useless).

    we are a family of winners.

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  14. Haha this guy i know is studying art history, sociology and psychology at one of the best universitys in the uk, he just failed phsychology too so haha hes stuck with those two.

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  15. Cary, what did you Google to get the pic of the lady in red, or was that from your...um, personal collection?

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  16. Thanks, all. Wish I could take credit for the text, but that's all Holy Taco. They are funny mo-fos.

    Courteous - that's Mother. She loved to dance.

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  17. Wow, neither of my majors were on this list. The first one's absence (journalism) doesn't surprise me, the second one's (women's studies) does.

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  18. Is this a quiz?

    If so I pick philosophy as your major Cary.

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  19. I've never seen a Nintendo bowl before. Ingenius!

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  20. I majored in Bridge with a double minor in All my Children and Husband Hunting. When I graduated, I used my multiple degrees to become a Social Worker.

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  21. I knew a few girls in the MRS program...

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  22. Draco Malfoy is a latin major?

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