A few entries from RedneckWordsOfWisdom.com, a site that invites readers to submit their favorite redneck sayings. 
He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.
Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.
That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.
You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.
I'm bowed up like a Halloween cat.
He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.
Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.
He's so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands.
Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd. 
As easy as herding chickens.
Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.
I'm so hungry, I'd eat the balls off a low flying duck!
She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
He's as useful as a tit on a boar hog.
Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.
You got to be 10% smarter than the equipment you're runnin'.
Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.
Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.
His pants were so tight if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off. 
Heavier than a dead preacher.
She has two speeds. Slow and stop.
That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.
Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.
Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens.
Busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers.
Her jeans are so tight, you can see the veins in her ass!
That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt.
Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?
He has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
That dummy’s always got both ass-cheeks wrapped around his ears!
Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison!
He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of July.
My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her! 
I felt like a monkey trying to do a math problem.
Don’t push it, or I'll slap some schtuff on your head ajax won't take off.
His gal is so fat they hire a rodeo clown to distract her when she’s grocery shopping.
I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.
Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day.
His family tree looks like a totem pole.
Blame Bunions on your Genes
10 hours ago
Posts
They left off one of my all-time favorites...
ReplyDeleteEven a blind squirrel finds an acorn every once in a while.
How bout....
ReplyDeleteCrazier than a run over dog.
He's as lost as last year's Easter Egg.
She's finer than a frog's hair split four ways!
He has such bad luck that if he fell in a bucket of tits he'd come out sucking his thumb!
ReplyDeleteI quite like this post...the sayings are humorous yet universally effective.
ReplyDeletePS>I didn't know saying "He couldn't find his ass with both hands" makes you a redneck...
Rednecks being able to read a book? That's funny
ReplyDeleteTo someone who looks sick: "You look like death warmed over coming out of an outhouse backwards, eating a biscuit"
ReplyDeleteAll time classic.
Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forrest fire.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite:
ReplyDeleteWell, that just makes my butt want a dip of snuff!
My mom always used to use the one about the Chinese phone book. Thanks, Cary. I now know I was raised by a redneck.
ReplyDeleteWhen referring to anything that will surely be temporary, like my craptastic handyman work around the house, my wife will say, "That's going to last about as long as Pat stayed in the army."
ReplyDeleteI have no idea who Pat is nor how long he/she stayed in the army. Neither does my wife.
I prefer to think of some of these as "down home farm sayings" since I grew up on a farm in the midwest and know many of these.
ReplyDeleteI'm so broke, if it cost a nickel to shit I'd have to throw up.
Well, that went over like a cow pissing on flat rock.
He's a nice boy, he just shits a little too close to the house.
Busier than a one legged man at an ass-kickin' contest!
ReplyDeleteBusier than a one legged cat trying to cover up shit.
What's up with all of the redneck one legged people and animals? Must be the traps or tractor accidents...
Well twist my nipples and call me a Twizzler!
ReplyDeleteDon't piss down my leg and tell me it's raining.
ReplyDeleteHappier than a jacked-off cat.
Happier than a pig in shit.
(The really sad part is that my husband uses these all the time.) :)
A jacked-off cat? Ha. I'd like to see someone try that.
ReplyDeleteas ugly as a barrell full of assholes.
ReplyDeleteTake a flying fuck at a rolling donut is redneck? My friend drew a really funny cartoon involving that saying back in high school. I wonder if I still have that thing somewhere, or if I would still find it funny if I did. I do remember that the main character was named Conrad.
ReplyDeleteI once saw this one in a book:
She looks like hell on a plate. Made me laugh...
my all time faves are:
ReplyDeletewhy thats funnier than a popcorn fart.
or
im as serious as a heart attack.
now i get why a heart attack is serious, but whats so funny about a popcorn fart? just what the hell is a popcron fart anyways???
Don't forget, "Nervous as a frog on the freeway with his hopper busted."
ReplyDeletewell I guess this makes me an redneck might as well go get some Jeff Foxworthy cd's, and a case of cold Busch! Being a married guy I didnt think my self esteem could go any lower unitl now, you could have left the sharper than a cue ball one off, thanks Cary!
ReplyDeleteHow about:
ReplyDeleteAs nervous as a whore in church.
As nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers.
Sweating like a fat Baptist at a free dance.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Colder than a witches tit.
Colder than a well-diggers ass.
Weak as a Friday fart.
(When asked where someone is) He went to shit and the pigs ate him.
What scares me is that I could do a million of 'em!! My FIL used to say this stuff all the time...he was from Missouri. Are there rednecks in Missouri?
Don't forget "rode hard and put up wet." I said that one time in a room full of people from Milwaukee & they literally spit beer all over. What a waste of good beer...
ReplyDeleteMy mother likes to tell me on a regular basis that I could "fuck up a wet dream"
ReplyDeleteTwo of her other gems...
"went down faster than a french whore"
and
"that went over like a turd in a punchbowl"
My personal favorites are: He is so stupid, he couldn't get water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom.
ReplyDeleteAnd: He is so dense, he has to take off all his clothes to count to 21.