Monday, June 16, 2008

Bad Studio Portraits Of The Day

(Originally posted 9/07)

Total frickin' awesomeness from Olan Mills, Sears and other fine portrait studios.

Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.

Thoughtful Lance. Mirthful Lance. Two sides of a delightful coin.

Drake won Bitchin'est Senior Mullet by a landslide.

That dude wore a tie for nothing.

The Purvis family made several stops along the Oregon Trail to document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.

I wanted a shot like this for my wedding. The Mrs. said no.

It's called a leisure suit, ladies and germs, and if you didn't have one in the early 70s, you were a big fat loser. Mine was teal. I wore it with a silk floral shirt and a long necklace with a football player pendant that we all got at that year's team banquet. I was THE MAN.

It's a vagina, madam, not a clown car.

Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?

Gene had always secretly wanted to lay hands on Chet

Picture day at the asylum

Butt-cut, wings and earmuffs. Classic 70s hair. And that shirt reeks of Chess King.

Oh, this is super. What better way to capture the charm and innocence of a child than to plunk him down amid the coarse trappings of a life lived in pursuit of wealth -- oversized bills, an adding machine and the Wall Street Journal -- and make him sit inside a briefcase? (They probably just fold up the little demon right in there to carry him home.) The finishing touch is the globe, which completes the portrait of the young Antichrist in Club Room vest and Red Goose loafers, plotting his takeover of the world (insert maniacal laugh). That is, as soon as someone changes his poopy diaper.

Bobbi isn't the first waitress to fall for her manager, but she and Dale both got fired from Sonny's.

Rejected Toby Keith album cover.

Just a typical afternoon down on the plantation. In a business suit. Y'know, for a budget meeting with the slaves.

This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that yellow.

And don't miss the First Presbyterian Players as they perform "Godspell" next Wednesday night in the Fellowship Hall. Childcare will be provided. Please bring a covered dish.

At the Southern Baptist Convention?

Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, one of their most popular themes, as seen in this photo of the young Unabomber and his wife.

The Library might be more believable if the shelves weren't sloping downhill

Olan Mills is all about versatility. The simple addition of a column turns this generic plantation into Tara, where, apparently, someone opened a Hair Cuttery. (This Dorothy Hamill cut was very popular in 70s after Doro won Olympic gold. Both my sisters had the cut at different times. I did not -- although I did have a huge crush on Dorothy).

Patrick broke ranks and chose drag over the bow tie

You'd think Pearle Vision would throw in another two pairs for free.

Kenneth and his prom date

"The Damned"

I got a 20 that says he drives a Camaro.

Hiroshima, 1945. The last known photo of Kelli and SeƱor Loco.

The Brown family. From Beige-jing.

Someone spent money on this.

It's so cute when couples have matching hairdos

Talk about a third wheel...

Nothing says 1973 quite like denim and helmet hair

I'd hide my face, too, little girl

B-52's, the early years.

Pioneer Woman and her add-a-beads... distracted by the Blue Light Special announcement coming in over the K-Mart loudspeaker.

Got any bad portraits of your own? Olan Mills, Sears, Glamour Shots, Hot Shots, senior portraits? Send them in for possible inclusion in a new book of awesomely bad portraits to be published in the near future.


  1. Hands down - without a doubt, this is the funniest post I have evereverever seen. The pics are great, but your comments worthy of a Pulitzer. Swear to God, Cary, genius.

  2. Cary: You are my hero, a God among bloggers. I nearly had to cuff my hands to stop from responding to that useless fucker. It’s like, “Asshole, get a life. Get a sense of humor. Go away ya creepy dickwad.”

    But I didn’t need to type any of that – you said it better.

  3. Last Sept. when you ran this fabulosity I sent the link forward to all my office, not reading the entire post... and the clown car comment...oh my, HR violation all the way... but fortunately everyone else had some class and didn't say anything. Or wait, maybe my "superiors" just auto-delete any emails that come from me... hmmmm.

    Thanks for posting this again.
    Z the Y

  4. I think anonymous is actually right. The lower left of The Damned looks like Lance... and the other guy is near the lower right. Huh. I'll be... damned.

  5. Not that I'm complaining...

    but have you had any luck with the solicitations for new pics for this?

  6. Damn, these hit close to home. I think I'm related to half of these people. Uncle Louie still likes to reminisce about "the convention" - he said it was a very special time. I never realized his friend Boomer from the racquetball club was there too. I always thought their matching mustaches kinda silly.

  7. It's not so much the pictures sometimes, as it is your comments.
    "the 70's really were that yellow"
    I almost choked on my coffee...

  8. I was just about to suggest that it might be time to re-run the post that got me hooked on LOTD. Thank you Cary, you made my day.

  9. Angela - Anonymous Fuckbag is correct about the photos being the same people, but wrong about me copying it. It was my original post. I always give due credit when material is from other sources.

    I did, however, steal some jokes from Carlos Mencia, as well as the tune to "He's So Fine" to make a new song.

    Tantie - yes, I've gotten tons of photos submissions but I'm always open to more. The book deal is still being negotiated. It's a very slow process.

  10. I think this was your first post I ever read. IT IS STILL JUST AS FUNNY!!! And yes, scary how much we all relate to so much of it.

    We want more!

  11. Still love it!! The third wheel one made me laugh so hard, I was almost crying! Fantastic!

  12. This is the post that led me to LOTD. It's still one of my favorites. Thanks for the laugh Cary - I have a week of in-laws - this helped.

  13. YAHOO! They're back!! As with many of your other devotees, this is the "post heard round the world" that got me hooked on LOTD. I STILL send the original post out to people all the time, just because it's so damn funny. I hope the book deal goes through quickly! And I hope you get some more submissions. I'm totally with Reenie on this's your comments that make the "list" every time. :)

  14. Thank you all. You are very kind.

  15. This is the post I show people when I introduce them to the site. Love, love, love these! And I SWEAR I went to school with the "I'd hide my face too, little girl" mom.

  16. Me, too Tracy. This is the post, which circulated as an email, that sent me searching for LOTD.

    It is absolutely the best, and the reason why LOTD is numero uno.

    I just gotta say, number 13 is a babe!

  17. These are great - still one of the best. I'm going to look for some bad Olan Mills photos I have somewhere (church directory - this is their niche).

    And that little girl's haircut reminds me, it is not without some measure I pride that I had the first Dorothy Hamill hairdo at Fort Scott Junior High.

  18. This is, and always will be, the greatest blog post on the Internet.

    "It's a vagina, madam, not a clown car."

    p.s. I'm adding "fuckbag" to my vocabulary.

  19. This was the post that allowed me to discover this glorious site. All hail the post king.

    That said, the fact that I'm not in fact in any of these is a minor miracle. I was one of those kids, back in the 70s.

  20. Can I borrow, "fuckbag" on occasion?
    I'm always looking for new and unique ways to call people names, and that one's a winner!
    Thanks for posting these again Cary. As many have said, this was the catalyst that lead to many of us not getting shit done all day.

  21. Cary- Ditto to what Holly said. I'm so glad you put this up again, and this was the hook. When will we see new submissions? Anonymous fuckbag must not have really looked at your blog the way, my obsessive stalker self has done.

    THANKS AGAIN!!! And as always, the comments from everyone also were equally as hysterical, but more so on the engrish list of the day!
    I'm sure my neighbors think I'm tripping on acid when they hear me laugh to no noise.

  22. I love you, Cary. This is one of my favorites!

  23. So I think we can all learn a lesson from anonymous fuckbag:

    Do your research, douche!!! Cary is THE KING and you should bow down to him (god knows I do every night before bed--ALONE) and YOU, fuckstick, owe him your undying gratitude for the plethora of funny shit he puts out there for all of us EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I'm probably sure you don't know the meaning of the word plethora. That's OK. Hopefully someone is patting you on the head right now. I'm sure you get that A LOT.

    Hugs and Kisses,

  24. WOW, thanks Amy. The check is in the mail. ;-)

  25. Mirthful Lance gives me the creeps big time! 8-O

    This just gets funnier every time I read it, Cary. Thanks for the day brightener! I needed it today.

    For all of us who lived through the 70's, we can't help but recognize ourselves and our families in these photos.

  26. hey look! my obsessive clicking worked! you're #1

  27. Hey, it's P-Dub! Hiya Ree! 'Cause yeah, me and Ree are on a first-name basis. Totally.

    Ok, the thing I really wanted to say is that I swear to God that guy with the violin is my high school band director. I'd know that psycho anywhere. I wish there was a way to find out! His name isn't Kenneth, it's Greg. Just sayin'.

  28. haha! great stuff cary. the radio station that i listen to put these up last year when one of the dj's had a family picture made. now i have the first posting saved in my favorites, so anytime i click on your page, i'm immediately thrown back into the 70s (even though i wasn't even born until '86! LOL)

  29. What's with the "third wheel" picture? Is it just me, or does it come off as somewhat incestual? (If it's just me - man, Freud would have a field day with that one!)

  30. Somewhere I must have a photo from the homemade matching outfit days.....

  31. The "third wheel" picture definitely smacks of incest. I'm wondering what the hell their mother was thinking. "This picture would look great on Gram's mantle"?

    I'm totally annexing "fuckbag"

  32. Does anyone else think the guy in the "matching hairdos" family pic looks like a young Kurt Russell??

    This is the post that led me to LOTD via PW's site...btw, I'm sure she's thrilled that you've posted her pic again..haha!

    Fuckbag is classic, I shall add it to my list of faves which include my husband's newest fave: d-bag and my friend's fave: asshat!!

    Keep on doing what you do Cary, the world needs more humour!

  33. The 'third wheel' trio are presumably brothers and sister, but at the Southern Baptist Convention that might not stand for much...

  34. Love this post...I'd love to see some additions to the collection sometime. Thinking back, I think that post was circulated in an email that led me here, as well. You most definitely rock!



Related Posts with Thumbnails