Masturbation Terms Of The Day

In honor of National Masturbation Month. Compiled by comedian George Carlin.

I find it very telling about our society that there are five times as many terms for male masturbation than for female masturbation.

Women
beat the beaver
buttonhole
clap your clit
cook cucumbers
grease the gash
hide the hotdog
hit the slit
hose your hole
juice your sluice
make waves
pet the poodle
slam the clam
stump-jump

Men
beat the bishop
beat your little brother
beat the meat
burp the worm
butter your corn
choke the chicken
clean your rifle
consult Dr. Jerkoff
crank your shank
dink your slinky
feel in your pocket for your big hairy rocket
file your fun-rod
fist your mister
flex your sex
flog the dolphin
flog the log
flog your dog
grease your pipe
hack your mack
hump your hose
jerkin' the gherkin
milk the chicken
one-stick drum improvisation
pack your palm
paint your ceiling
play a flute solo on your meat whistle
play the male organ
please your pisser
point your social finger
polish your rocket
polish your sword
pound the pud
pound your flounder
prompt your porpoise
prune the fifth limb
pull the pope
pull your taffy
run your hand up the flagpole
shine your pole
shoot the tadpoles
slakin' the bacon
slam your hammer
slam your Spam
slap your wapper
spank the monkey
spank the salami
strike the pink match
stroke the dog
stroke your poker
talk with Rosy Palm and her five little sisters
tickle your pickle
thump your pumper
tweak your twinkie
unclog the pipes
varnish your pole
walk the dog
watch the eyelid movies
wax your dolphin
whip your dripper
whizzin' jizzum
wonk your conker
yang your wang
yank the yam
yank your crank