Thursday, May 29, 2008

Masturbation Terms Of The Day

In honor of National Masturbation Month. Compiled by comedian George Carlin.

I find it very telling about our society that there are five times as many terms for male masturbation than for female masturbation.


beat the beaver


clap your clit

cook cucumbers

grease the gash

hide the hotdog
hit the slit
hose your hole
juice your sluice
make waves

pet the poodle

slam the clam



beat the bishop

beat your little brother

beat the meat
burp the worm

butter your corn

choke the chicken

clean your rifle

consult Dr. Jerkoff

crank your shank

dink your slinky

feel in your pocket for your big hairy rocket

file your fun-rod

fist your mister

flex your sex

flog the dolphin

flog the log
flog your dog
grease your pipe

hack your mack

hump your hose

jerkin' the gherkin

milk the chicken
one-stick drum improvisation

pack your palm

paint your ceiling

play a flute solo on your meat whistle

play the male organ

please your pisser

point your social finger

polish your rocket

polish your sword

pound the pud

pound your flounder
prompt your porpoise
prune the fifth limb

pull the pope
pull your taffy
run your hand up the flagpole

shine your pole

shoot the tadpoles

slakin' the bacon

slam your hammer
slam your Spam

slap your wapper

spank the monkey

spank the salami

strike the pink match

stroke the dog
stroke your poker
talk with Rosy Palm and her five little sisters

tickle your pickle

thump your pumper

tweak your twinkie

unclog the pipes

varnish your pole

walk the dog

watch the eyelid movies

wax your dolphin
whip your dripper

whizzin' jizzum

wonk your conker

yang your wang

yank the yam

yank your crank


  1. Don't forget the always amusing euphemism generator:

  2. Well, men certainly have women beat in the terms to describe masturbation, but I would guess that the toys available to women with which to masturbate, versus toys for men, beat men by 100 to 1. No pun intended.

    So many gadgets, so little time.

  3. What about "Soak the forest" for women? I like that one..LOL.

  4. Thanks, Eric, you are very kind to offer, but I better pass.

  5. I "pet the poodle" all day long.

    Of course I'm taking about my DOG.

    Or am I? ;)

  6. I seem to remember a couple for the female end of things -

    Flicking the Bean
    Petting the Kitty
    Hanging out with Bob

  7. My friend Barb always called it simply "vacuuming"

  8. How PG13 of you - I'm blushing!!!!

  9. For guys:

    Feed the ducks

  10. The list is, incredibly, missing 'wank'...that is the almost normal term used here. Verb and noun.

    Also the old 'tug' or 'pull'. As in 'have a tug (or pull)'. Referring to men of course.

    And we might visit Mrs Palmer and her five daughters, rather than rather than Rosy Palm.

    Or wrestle the one eyed trouser snake.

    Or shake hands with the unemployed. I guess women could stroke the unemployed.

    And don't women go pearl diving? Or give themselves the finger? Or rub themselves up the right way?

  11. Paddling the pink canoe?

  12. how about wrestle with jimmy? pocket pool?

  13. for women:

    buffin' the muffin

  14. they left out my favorite of all time:

    Clubbing the baby seal.

  15. Unfair fight - Five against one

    I always assumed we men had more terms for it since we tend to be so much more immature and like body comedy (and terms therefore) a lot more. Have a competition with your best female friend and see who can name more euphemisms for flatulence and vomitting.

  16. Very amusing!! Learned a lot more than I thought, actually. LOL!!

  17. How bout:

    Five on one fast break
    Punch the clown

  18. Arm-wrestling the one-eyed champ is one of my favorite euphemisms.

  19. I was lucky enough to see George Carlin perform live twice, and distinctly remember his scroll including the following:

    - Doing the two-finger tango
    - Making soup

    - Shooting putty at the moon
    - Interrogating the suspect*

    *not from George, but good one



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