This one's been around a while, but it amuses me. It also makes me glad my 6-year-old is still a good 30-40 years away from dating.
By W. Bruce Cameron
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not stare at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I realize it is fashionable for boys your age to wear pants that fall off their hips. Don't take this as an insult, but you and your friends are complete idiots. Still, I propose this compromise: If you come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, I will not object. But to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten them securely to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
For you and I to get to know each other, custom says we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubts that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you and I sit waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you do not date a teenaged girl. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Just relax and enjoy my glare, or, better yet, do something useful, like rotate my tires.
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
* Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
* Places where there is darkness.
* Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
* Places warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka zipped up to her throat.
* Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are ok.
Places that are appropriate:
* Church
* A retirement home (the elderly love visiting teenagers)
* Our living room
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres of dense woods.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my exposure to Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head urge me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
(Copyright 1998, W. Bruce Cameron)
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21 comments:
I think my husband has these committed to memory along with "I'm a Pastor. I talk to Jesus all the time. If you so much as make prolonged eye contact with my daughter I'll see to it you never enter the gates of Heaven."
I showed this to my husband (of old-west-middle-of-the-night-dream-shoot-out fame) and he wants to have it engraved on a plaque and hung on our front door. Now. As a warning for when my now six-year-old daughter turns 35, the age my husband said she's allowed to date. And perhaps hold hands.
Haha you sound like my husband, our daughter is 14 though. he really likes to mess with any boy brave/dumb enough to come to the house. One kid was particularly shy and I thought my husband was going to give him a heart attack. our daughter just sits and laughs.
My dad is a 6'4" 300lb Marine, no one came to my house...ever. While my mom is a lot smaller, she's the one who keeps him in line so I think everyone was more scared of her. LOL
M'kay. I'm printing this one out and pasting it to the fridge for that day in oh 11 years when my daughter starts dating. Seriously.
I don't know who wrote this. Wasn't me. Wish I knew, cuz he's a funny dude.
Too funny.
There weren't many guys who could handle my dad. He (seriously) looked like Dirty Harry when I was that age and never talked much. He would sit/stand with his arms crossed and no smile on his face and there was always a rifle or shotgun within view.
The few guys who could handle it were of good quality though.
I love it especially "I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres of dense woods." My husband is trying to convince our daughter that she is too good for anyone around here.
I have been working on a look I give random teenage boys in public places who I can see eyeballing my daughters. I call it my "penis shriveling" look. My husband says I'm quite good at it, but I don't really think he means it as a compliment.
If I didnt know that my guy had never been in Vietnam (hes 28), and that we dont own 5 acres of dense woods, I would swear he wrote this..
My dad was never crazy about me dating. He was basically like, "Here! Take her!"
This describes my dad perfectly - former Marine, avid gun/knife collector - no one came to our door. Ever. I'm 38 and still surprised I'm married......
I guarantee you that this guy's daughter is a slut.
W. Bruce Cameron came up with the original list of 8 The other two were probably added somewhere along it's journey through the internets. :)
Thanks, Kristin. Good to know. I will give him credit.
one tactic I had thought up, be very polite and make sure that I answer the door. I own a .44 caliber handgun and have it in its holster on my side, I don't make mention of it, I just sit back and watch the reaction. I don't want my child to be sociallly challenged, I just like F'ing with people.
Spinderfella, you're a riot!
Wow. I've broken every one of these rules countless times. I STILL do, now that I think about it. At least I finally wear my pants properly.
God, it's great to be back home and snortin' again.
Funny stuff, Cary.
My daughter is 8 and going to see the new Indiana Jones movie ... with a boy. Reading this list is getting me prepared for the event.
Ha! It's funny because women are property.
(Or, you know, not so much.)
Humor:
a: that quality which appeals to a sense of the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous
b: the mental faculty of discovering, expressing, or appreciating the ludicrous or absurdly incongruous
c: something that is or is designed to be comical or amusing
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