Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ridiculous Black Metal Band Photos

Submitted by loyal reader and John Tesh fan, Kurt. Commentary by Mike at, and my hat is off to him, because how do you pick the most ridiculous pictures from an entire genre of ridiculousness? How do any of these trolls look in the mirror without bursting into hysterical laughter?

Wow! Look at these guys! Does the guy on the left have spikes coming out of his fucking back? And what’s with the meat hook? Is that Cher on the right? I think they’ve all got something planned for the little guy, and it involves those chains, a studded belt, a bottle of lube, and that rusty meat hook.

Man, Horgh is just flat out tubby. That gut-guard is about to burst, and when it does, watch out for a lethal barrage of flying metal studs. And what on earth is Abbath doing? It looks like he’s about to be hit by a bus and Horgh, unable to rescue him, is on the sidewalk screaming, “Nooooooooo….”

Look everyone, it’s Rob Darken, the black metal Mongolian warlord with pirate boots! Where's your parrot, Genghis?

This is the most angst-ridden, irritable bowel grimace I’ve ever seen. Is that a cold sore on his lip? Oral herpes? The microphone is clearly a homage to the mighty phallus. Instead of preparing for a blood-curdling banshee wail, he's actually going to plunge the faux-cock directly into the hole of his fishnet Spider-Man shirt in a gesture of unrepentant homoeroticism.

IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) is Swedish, but since when does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin' black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all, he's in a cave with a large hunting knife, but by the way that thing is glowing, you'd think Orcs were near. Go, black metal Frodo, go!

Rock out with your cock out!! This photo encapsulates the best of what black metal has given us over the years. The poor guy’s tiny little cock n’ balls ripped through his pants, yet in the true spirit of evil, he just kept on rockin’. And why shouldn’t he? Forget the spikes and chains because your cock is as metal as it gets.

Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn't get more ridiculous, Abbath unzips his fucking pants! What the F?! Apparently, he did the entire photo shoot with his fly down. I mean, the ax is bad enough, but this just flat-out destroys the attempt to be evil.

Wait a minute, since when was it cool to have a gimp in your band!? And a gimp with shitty homemade armbands to boot. Do these guys work at a hardware store?

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! Vrangsinn got back! My eyes! That is the flabbiest, cottage-cheesiest abomination of the flesh I have ever witnessed. Only Satan himself knows what foul contents have been purged from those unholy haunches, especially after night of drinking cheap beer. And what the hell is the other guy doing?

I’ve never seen anyone in the black metal world make as many annoying faces as Galder. Whether it’s on or off the stage, he is perpetually making a fool of himself by grinning, snarling, pursing his lips, sticking his tongue out, or widening his eyes. It’s as if he’s in a constant state of surprise.

The bald guy makes this picture, hands down. This is some seriously shoddy corpse paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a kabuki dinner theater reject.

Damn right these guys look old. They're all bald! Apparently, it's OK to be bald if you're in a black metal band, because bald means you are evil. But dude - don't wear your own band's t-shirt to the fucking photo shoot. That's just lame.

Wait, are those suspenders? You gotta be kidding me. And he's carrying a scythe. Of course. He's a fucking black metal farmer!

Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metalers. In every photo, he's either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky, no doubt cursing Jesus for not giving him enough money to record a decent album.

What's with the stuffed buzzard? C'mon, guys, you're not fooling anyone. And Frost's homemade arm bands complete with 10" carpentry nails. Seriously, it looks like he got the business end of a porcupine.

Is this a new WWF tag team? Horgh looks like he's ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He's been drinking too much Smirnoff Ice. Abbath looks like he just saw the fucking boogeyman and doesn't know whether to run or shit his pants.

Maniac's new pseudo-mullet hairdo is anything but metal; he looks older than my fucking dad. And that Shredder-style, spiked armguard with a pig’s head impaled on it might be the lamest black metal prop ever. Did he do the entire show with that on his hand? Also, nice pants asshole. Old Navy was having a sale?


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