An early draft of the screenplay for Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers) included a scene in which Dr. Evil appears on Jerry Springer and delivers a monologue reminiscent of the one from the family therapy scene in the first Austin Powers. The scene was cut in the final script, which is a shame, because it sounds funny.
Jerry Springer: Don't you have any secrets?
Doctor Evil: Okay. I have a vestigial tail. It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot -- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in flagrante delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men,"or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonz while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who, at the end of the day, can honestly say they haven't done that?
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