Great Olan Mills photos

Total frickin' awesomeness from Olan Mills, Sears and other fine portrait studios.


Those glasses came free with a purchase of Brut cologne.


Thoughtful Lance. Mirthful Lance. Two sides of a delightful coin.


Drake won Bitchin'est Senior Mullet by a landslide.


That dude wore a tie for nothing.


The Purvis family made several stops along the Oregon Trail to document their six-month journey. This photo was taken just two weeks before the dysentery took Momma to Jesus.


I wanted a shot like this for my wedding. The Mrs. said no.


It's called a leisure suit, ladies and germs, and if you didn't have one in the early 70s, you were a big fat loser. Mine was teal. I wore it with a silk floral shirt and a long necklace with a football player pendant that we all got at that year's team banquet. I was THE MAN.


It's a vagina, madam, not a clown car.





Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?


Gene had always secretly wanted to lay hands on Chet


Picture day at the asylum


Butt-cut, wings and earmuffs. Classic 70s hair. And that shirt reeks of Chess King.


Oh, this is super. What better way to capture the charm and innocence of a child than to plunk him down amid the coarse trappings of a life lived in pursuit of wealth -- oversized bills, an adding machine and the Wall Street Journal -- and make him sit inside a briefcase? (They probably just fold up the little demon right in there to carry him home.) The finishing touch is the globe, which completes the portrait of the young Antichrist in Club Room vest and Red Goose loafers, plotting his takeover of the world (insert maniacal laugh). That is, as soon as someone changes his poopy diaper.


Bobbi isn't the first waitress to fall for her manager, but she and Dale both got fired from Sonny's.


Rejected Toby Keith album cover.


Just a typical afternoon down on the plantation. In a business suit. Y'know, for a budget meeting with the slaves.



This photo isn't discolored. The 70s really were that yellow.


And don't miss the First Presbyterian Players as they perform "Godspell" next Wednesday night in the Fellowship Hall. Childcare will be provided. Please bring a covered dish.


At the Southern Baptist Convention?




Olan Mills Backdrop #11: The Library, one of their most popular themes, as seen in this photo of the young Unabomber and his wife.


The Library might be more believable if the shelves weren't sloping downhill


Olan Mills is all about versatility. The simple addition of a column turns this generic plantation into Tara, where, apparently, someone opened a Hair Cuttery. (This Dorothy Hamill cut was very popular in 70s after Doro won Olympic gold. Both my sisters had the cut at different times. I did not -- although I did have a huge crush on Dorothy).


Patrick broke ranks and chose drag over the bow tie


You'd think Pearle Vision would throw in another two pairs for free.


Kenneth and his prom date


"The Damned"


I got a 20 that says he drives a Camaro.


Hiroshima, 1945. The last known photo of Kelli and Señor Loco.


The Brown family. From Beige-jing.


Someone spent money on this.


It's so cute when couples have matching hairdos


Talk about a third wheel...


Nothing says 1973 quite like denim and helmet hair


I'd hide my face, too, little girl


B-52's, the early years.


Pioneer Woman and her add-a-beads... distracted by the Blue Light Special announcement coming in over the K-Mart loudspeaker.

Got any bad portraits of your own? Olan Mills, Sears, Glamour Shots, Hot Shots, senior portraits? Send them in for possible inclusion in a new book of awesomely bad portraits to be published in the near future. listoftheday@yahoo.com