Thursday, August 21, 2014

Hilariously Bad Writing Advice Of The Day

Good stuff from TheWorstMuse on Twitter.

(more here)

News: Priest Receiving Text Messages From Demon He Failed To Exorcise

Good to know they have cell service in Hell, even if it is AT&T.
Priest Receiving Text Messages From Demon He Failed To Exorcise

Seen here looking suspiciously like a sadder, older Hoggle from Labyrinth, Polish priest Marian Rajchel claims he's started receiving text messages from the demon he failed to exorcise from a young woman.

No word if the demon is just taking advantage of Marian's pay-per-text plan.

Father Rajchel claims that the devil and his followers were not shy about using modern technology but that in many cases their actions were not identified as being the work of evil.

"Often the owners of mobile phones are not even aware that they are being used like this," says Rajchel. "However, in this case it is clear."

One of the text messages, the Austrian Times reported, read: "She will not come out of this hell. She's mine. Anyone who prays for her will die."

Rajchel replied, and was then sent another message in return: "Shut up, preacher. You cannot save yourself. Idiot. You pathetic old preacher."

(read more)

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books (Of The Day)

From McSweeney's. Link from Kelley Wilson.
From Wikipedia: "Bukowski's work addresses the ordinary lives of poor Americans, the act of writing, alcohol, relationships with women, and the drudgery of work. Bukowski wrote thousands of poems, hundreds of short stories and six novels, eventually publishing over sixty books. In 1986 Time called Bukowski a 'laureate of American lowlife'."

If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children’s Books
By Litsa Dremousis

The Whore Who Snored

Why Is Grandpa Heaving?

The Years Will Fly Like Hummingbirds and One Gray Day You’ll Die

Love Turns to Crap Like a Sandwich

The Alley Cat and the Wounded Dog Share Scraps of Bird and Dung

Uncle Hank’s Sack of Empties

Wishbones Come from Chicken, Harlots Come from Hell

The Park Bench Where You Eat Your Lunch Will Be Your Bed Someday

Get Up Now

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

News: Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore

From The Onion.
Fourth-Grade Teacher Polishing Up Speech On This Not Being Third Grade Anymore

PALMYRA, PA—Saying it was important for her students to understand their increased expectations at the start of the new school year, Pine Street Elementary school teacher Veronica Potter reportedly spent Sunday evening putting the finishing touches on a speech that will inform her incoming class they are not in third grade anymore.

“Many of you are 10 years old now, and I expect you to act like it,” said Potter, rehearsing the speech that will emphasize how the students’ responsibilities will extend not just to academic performance, but to behavior and classroom participation as well.

“There’s going to be homework every night and we’re going to do several science units outdoors, which will require a lot of focus. You may have gotten away with excuses or outbursts last year, but this is fourth grade now. Okay?”

Sources confirmed that Potter, worried about overwhelming her students too much on the first day, later revised her speech to put more emphasis on the spring field trip to Gettysburg.

Things We Wanked To Before We Had Access To Porn

From The Frisky:

"Before the invention of the world wide web, before we even knew porn existed, you best believe we were masturbating. And in a lot of creative ways. We feel bad for the young people today who can just log onto their computers and have a world of whack off materials with a single click. 'Back in the olden days,' we'll brag to our kids, 'we had to use our imaginations to stimulate our genitals'."

If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a house with cable, and were doubly blessed to have it in your bedroom, you made excuses to stay in on Saturday nights and wait until everyone was sleeping to watch movies like Hard Ticket to Hawaii or Gas Pump Girls on Cinemax.

"I would force my Sims characters to have sex in the kitchen and then masturbate to the blurred out image and chirping Sims sex sounds." --Anonymous

Full coverage bras, control top underwear and girdles. Mmmmnnnn. But seriously. Hot, young juniors in the Sears catalogue in their PANTIES! A young man's paradise!

Christopher Pike books, some weird subscription romance novels that were delivered to my house/purchased for a dime at a garage sale, my grandmother's copy of Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins or any VC Andrews paperback. The sex scenes from these were all on the wank list.

"My friend's dad was a doctor and he had an illustrated anatomy book in his study. We found the page with penises and vaginas and then I would go home and touch myself and think about it." -- Anonymous

Even if you didn't get it, you could still sometimes hear the sounds of sex and moaning through the scrambled signal if you sat close to the TV. That was enough.

You stared the pictures until you were certain you could make out a faint nipple or bush through the fabric.

(See the rest here.)

What other ways did we find to take care of business?


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