Thursday, July 31, 2014

Dangerous Things You Should Never Try To Outrun (Of The Day)

Not included on this list (i.e. go ahead and outrun these things): zombies, angry children, midgets, Sleestaks, the one-legged, old people, fat people, blind people or dogs, snails.

They forgot trains, too. Don't try to outrun a train. You will die.

From How Stuff Works.

Black Bear
Running away is a bad plan if you find yourself toe-to-toe with a grizzly, black or any other type of bear. While bears rarely attack, they are wild animals and therefore unpredictable. They can also run as fast as 30 miles (48 kilometers) an hour. The good news is that they usually just want to be left alone. Encounter one and your best bet is to back away slowly while facing the animal and avoiding direct eye contact.

Tornado
Most crazy storm chasers that you see on TV know well enough not to try to outrun a twister. They just try to stay far enough away from a tornado to avoid its wrath. For the rest of us amateurs, the best thing to do is shelter in place. Evacuation routes can get easily clogged with cars, especially in small towns and rural areas with fewer get-away routes. That leaves people trying to flee from a tornado in the more vulnerable position of being trapped in their cars when a big one barrels through the area.

The Fuzz
When you fight the law, the law usually wins. Not only is running from the cops a bad idea, but it's also likely to get you in more trouble than you would be if you simply stuck around. In some jurisdictions, running could result in a resisting arrest or obstructing justice charge. The better course of action is to ask if you're being detained and simply walk away if the answer is "no."

Flood
The inclination to run -- or drive -- away from rising flood waters is understandable, but it's also dangerous. As little as 6 inches (15 centimeters) of rising water can be enough to sweep a person off of his or her feet, while just 18 inches (46 centimeters) of rising water can carry a vehicle away. Downed power lines from a hurricane or tsunami can still be live, leaving you one false move from being lit up like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

Shooter
Whether it's at a school, in a workplace or at a movie theater, an active gunman poses not only a serious threat, but also one that's largely unpredictable. Just like a roving bear or aggressive dog, a gunman's attention is likely to be drawn to moving objects. It's also impossible to outrun a bullet. The FBI tells folks that the best response to an active shooter situation is "Run, Hide, Fight."

Wolves
Wolves like to travel in packs in search of prey. If you happen upon them--or them upon you--running for your dear life is likely to make you look like potential prey. Fortunately, the chance of encountering wild wolves is pretty slim, and even if you do they won't usually pounce. Wolves are coursing predators that prefer to take their prey on the run and are unlikely to attack otherwise. However, it's best to take the experts at their word and avoid testing these animals. That means moving away slowly without making direct eye contact.

Crocodile
Crocodile Dundee had a preternatural ability to lull crocs to sleep by making a strange inverted "surf's up!" hand gesture and weird noises. You are not Crocodile Dundee. If you come across a croc on a golf course or in your backyard, you are likely to run. That's a bad idea. It's only likely to aggravate the beast. Not to mention, a crocodile can run as fast as a human. The best course of action is to back away slowly and try not to attract any attention. If that doesn't work, go for the eyes.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Airline Passengers Explained By Their Pants (Of The Day)

From Wendi Aarons at McSweeney's.


Airplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants


Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.

Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.

Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.

Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with a SeƱor Frog’s.

Sweatpants with Dallas Mavericks Logo: Will clog one or more bathrooms.

Stained Yoga Pants: Will be carrying a screaming child.

Stained Gymboree Pants: Will be a screaming child.

Leather Pants: Did not pay for own flight.

Pants with Underwear Sticking Out: Did not pay for own flight.

Jeans with Rhinestones: Will get wasted on tequila and Sprite and graze flight attendant’s boob.

Tight Black Stretch Pants: Will be a pharmaceutical sales rep named Morgan.

Hemp Pants: Will be flying either to or from a city with a yurt resort.

Golf Pants: Will “accidentally” click on a porn link on his laptop.

Camouflage Cargos: Carry-on is a styrofoam cooler sealed with duct tape.

Blue Capris: European on business.

Red Capris: European on holiday.

Plaid Capris: European on way to rehab.

Pink Sweatpants: Will laugh her ass off at the Adam Sandler in-flight movie.

Beige Slacks: Will nervously clutch book about how liberals are destroying America.

Linen Trousers: Will swallow a Xanax and mangle your hand during take-off.

Wide-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a cat.

Thin-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a guitar.

Patched Corduroys: Traveling with a cat named Guitar.

Orange Jumpsuit: Did not pay for own flight.

Skinny Jeans: Will develop deep vein thrombosis.

Swim Trunks: Will be escorted off plane by federal air marshal for doing something gross to the beverage cart.

Creased Jeans: Federal air marshal.


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